House of the Dragon Power Rankings - Ep. 2 "The Rogue Prince"
The child brides are a situation, people!
*Spoilers for House of the Dragon episodes 1-2 and Game of Thrones all seasons*
Hello and welcome to Westeros TMZ!
It’s time for our inaugural House of the Dragon Power Ranking: Who made the smartest moves, who has the most power, and who’s just out here taking child brides and getting gangrene??
And what an episode! House of the Dragon: The Rogue Prince had child brides, crab executions, fake babies, Mean Girls, cringey daddy-daughter dates, church stuff, really bad parenting, dragon eggs, and, most of all, political machinations.
The whole point of Power Rankings is to start fights create discussion — so let me know yours! Did I miss anyone? Who’s the top of your list?
Here we go, starting with the best and moving to the worst.
#1 The Crabfeeder’s Crabs
These nasty little guys are out here living their best crab life eating sailors alive!
Because this Blog is nothing if not an academic platform, I googled: “are crabs carnivores?” According to Cuteness.com, “There are no carnivorous crabs.” (!) To THAT I say—like everything in the Game of Thrones universe—these crabs sure feckin’ are.
#2 Rhaenyra Targaryen
To be sure, Rhaenyra took some hard L’s [“losses” — for those of you not into sports] this episode, specifically finding out her dad and her high school BFF are getting hitched — and no one told her about it! TOUGH. STUFF.
However: In an episode where everyone took a few steps forward and a few steps back, Rhaeny [are we calling her Rhaeny yet?] took more steps forward than anyone. It also helps when your “steps forward” are you just casually popping by the family drama on your enormous fire-breathing dragon.
Points for your consideration: (1) She showed excellent political savvy when she picked Ser Criston Cole as the Kingsguard because, I’m just summarizing here, “These other boys ain’t shit.” (2) She called Daemon’s bluff and salvaged a coup. (3) She rode a dragon and she looked freakin great doing it. (4) She proved she’s smart enough to rule.
Take those wins while you can, Rhaeny, because your childhood best friend is about to be your step-mom!
#3 Princess Rhaenys Targaryen & Corlys Velaryon
They were down in the fourth quarter but they came back in the last minute for a shot at the playoffs.
Are they garbage people? Considering they offered up their 12-year-old daughter as a child bride!??? Yes. [Fortunately for us and the 12-year-old, the King ironically found that too icky. But 15 is, apparently, fine.]
It was definitely a blow for them when the king picked a slightly older child Alicent for his next wife. But Corlys parlayed the loss into a massive power grab by allying himself with Daemon at the end. Elite.
And let’s not forget that Eve Best [Princess Rhaenys] also plays Mrs. Wallis Simpson in The King’s Speech so she’s got experience taking down dynasties! Just ask Queen Elizabeth!
#4 Ser Criston Cole
Hot. Great shittalker. To Daemon: “Oh yeah I remember your face from when I smashed it.” 10/10.
#5 Lady Laena Velaryon
The biggest L for Laena is having horrible parents. But she dodged a bullet here [big win] and she’s clearly smart and learning how the adults play the game.
May she invoke the words of the great Miranda Lambert and one day show them “what little girls are made of.” Namely: gunpowder and lead.
#6 Alicent Hightower
Sucks to be her right now! But, full disclosure, I debated putting her at the top of this list! [After the crabs, because again, they be FEASTING.] Then I realized you can’t really give a win to a 15-year-old whose dad is pimping her out to his boss. Tough look for me, honestly.
BUT, even if right now Alicent’s greasy-haired dad is calling the shots, I get the sense she will eventually f*** him over — much like Sansa did Littlefinger. In a game where no one wins, Alicent is outplaying the opposition — she’s got both the king and his only heir wrapped around her finger and she seems to know what’s up. She may be a pawn, but she’s about to put the king in checkmate, methinks.
#7 Otto Hightower - The Hand
This dude is the WOORRRST!!!!!! Tip for not being a total perv: Don’t use the word “comely” to describe your 15-year-old daughter?!?! [Let’s just strike comely from the dictionary while we’re at it.]
This episode was a surprising L for Mr. Hightower, who got schooled by a 15-year-old over hostage negotiations — but thanks to the king’s as*-backwards wedding announcement, Otto got a few last-minute points and made it back up the ranking.
[By pimping his daughter. I hate myself.]
#8 Mysaria
Damon’s No. 1 Boo is scoring points this week for giving him the “rich white boy privilege” talk and having her priorities straight. [i.e. not suffering the fool.]
However, she really misplayed her hand by choosing Daemon as her “safe route” [question: Does she KNOW him!???] and my guess is that she will eventually die a horrific death.
#9 Daemon Targaryen
As the titular “Rogue Prince,” Daemon is bringing true chaotic energy to Westeros! Chaotic energy as in Little Brother Screaming Because He Just Wants to Come to the Mall, Too. Chaotic energy as in Mom, Watch This! Chaotic energy as in Amy March Burning Jo’s Manuscript.
And it’s really only thanks to Corlys that Daemon got a late-game buzzer beater and upped his power ranking. Before that, he was looking pretty dumb TBH. He showed his whole a** in the face-off with Rhaeny, got verbally owned by his Boo Thang, and appears to basically live in a shittier version of Dickensian London on a bad fog day.
However, he DID make The Hand look stupid, and also ended the episode stronger than ever. Points for telling Corlys “Keep my brother’s name outta your mouth.”
#10 King Viserys
“It was never my brothers’ strongest trait…being king.” YOIKS!!! My dude is out here getting L’ s like it’s his job! Maggot treatments!?!? OOF.
Nobody can turn a win into a loss faster than Viserys:
He bonds with his teenage daughter [W] but then turns around and announces he’s marrying her best friend [L].
He almost gets rid of Otto Hightower [W] but then turns around and ignores everyone else’s advice [L].
He refuses to marry a 12-year-old [W] but then turns around and marries a 15-year-old [L], who also happens to be a pawn of Otto Hightower [Double L].
He makes up with Corlys [W] and then pisses him off sending him right into the arms of Daemon. [This feels like the L that’s really gonna cost him.]
My guy gives off an affable “sad dad who’s just a little scared of his teenage daughter” vibe which plays really well on HGTV but not so much in Westeros.
Notable Mention
Vhagar, Dragon in Retirement
They keep talking about a missing dragon who is living by herself “somewhere along the coast.” So basically Jennifer Coolidge in The White Lotus. Winning! Bring that girl her white wine spritz already! 🥂🐉
Pretty sure Viserys is doomed, whether it’s the scabs or something else. Rhaenyra is my new fave. I’m kinda sad she grows up because I love the actor. Also I missed all the references to the missing dragon! LOL. Such a funny image.
THIS IS PERFECT. I would rank this exactly like this!!! (CRABS HAHAHAHA 💯 ... but also ... 😬🦀🙈) Except I'd bring Otto Hightower down to #8 because I JUST CANNOT. The only one lower would have to be King Viserys. I get that, for these first two episodes, this dud probably is higher in the power rankings, but like, IS HE REALLY??? He is barely hanging in there by his toenails. Daemon is gonna have no trouble flicking him off the ledge soon enough.
I am such a huge Rhaenyra fan right now. She is waaaaaaaaaay more BA than Daenerys was at the beginning (AND at the end?!). But that doesn't look good for her trajectory. 😬 Also, Ser Criston, I AM A FAN, but again -- will we simply end with some kind of violence/stabbing betwixt Rhaenyra and Ser Criston because this is way tooo resemblant of Daenerys and John Snow?!
Also, SO MANY QUOTABLE LINES in this that made me laugh OUT LOUD literally. "...who’s just out here taking child brides and getting gangrene??" Oh, SNAP, called out, Viserys!!