"Welcome back into my heart, Miles Teller." -Jane Austen, probably
This week's blockbusters + #MomTok + the Mormon doc on Netflix!!
Hi Friends, and thanks for coming back! I skipped last week while visiting my family in Texas — where we ate several gallons of Bluebell ice cream and spent long hot days just being together. 💞 My twin sister Sarah and I got to celebrate our ultra-Gemini birthday together, along with the world’s second most important twins, Mary Kate and Ashley.
I LOVE a low-key birthday. As a recovering codependent/Enneagram 2, birthdays can stress me out. I like attention, but how can you have a good time if you’re not sure if everyone ELSE is?!? Also, you will be sung to, which is a form of public shaming. So I usually opt for a low-key “let’s make boxed cake and watch a movie [*cough*Elizabethtown*cough*] at home!”
How about you? Are you a Big Birthday Person™️? Do you plan a whole slew of festive events? Do you treat yourself all week? Or do you prefer to ignore birthdays? [Maybe there’s a reason they’re hard for you or maybe you just don’t feel it.] What’s your Birthday DNA?
And, while we’re asking questions, what is your stance on Miles Teller’s mustache in Top Gun?
In the News
QUEEN BEYONCÉ RETURNS!!! Releasing “Act 1” of a new album/art/project on July 29! The prevailing joke on Twitter is that we all have to learn to spell “Renaissance” now! I had to google!
Britney Spears got married. Good for her! Drew Barrymore, who attended dressed as Queen Galadriel of the Golden Wood at her Senior Chorale Concert, referenced Ever After in an Instagram note about it: “What I learned from Ever After is that we must rescue ourselves and yet still want the fairy tale.” (which, ?!?)
A trailer for the Netflix/Dakota Johnson Persuasion came out and the girlies are NOT HAVING IT!!!! And by “the girlies” I mean every person of all genders who has ever read and loved a well-written story! Jane Austen said, when she wrote the heroine of Persuasion, probably: “I want to show the world that quiet people contain MULTITUDES.” Netflix, reading Persuasion, probably: “MOM, THIS BOOK IS SO BORING.” This movie is a travesty and I will probably still watch it if someone invites me to their Jane Austen Watch Party.
Ryan Gosling as Mr. Kenneth Barbie, coming to theaters near you in 2023! I have no idea how this movie will work, but it’s by the great Greta Gerwig of Ladybird and Little Women fame, so you can bet it’s going to be Prestige Barbie. And, as my friend Katie so eloquently put it, “Now it’s 'tiny women’!”
Watching - SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER TIME
This week, I finally got back in the movie groove and went to see both Top Gun: Maverick & Jurassic World Dominion!
[Aside: Why is there no colon in Jurassic World Dominion?? Is this supposed to be like “Before and After” on Wheel of Fortune?? I hate this.]
A few takeaways:
Top Gun was everything a summer blockbuster should be!! Loud, exciting, funny, heartwarming, heroic, chock-full of hot bodies and megawatt veneered smiles!!!
A+++++ score!!
The internet is torn between Miles Teller, Jay Ellis, and Glen Powell 🤑thirst🤑, and I’m with them ALL always & 4eva — but it’s also clear to me that Tom Cruise DID make them shoot that beach scene twice to be sure HE looked the best in it. Oh, Tom.
When you cast an Oscar-winning actress as a B character, she’s going to absolutely slay!! Jennifer Connelly hive, arise!
I don’t understand why all these people want to go on this Mission Death Wish so bad, but I guess that’s why I never joined the military. Tough look for Hannah “Not a Hero” Vanbiber.
I feel like Nepotism was an important plot point and we aren’t talking about that enough. [I was fine with it, by the way.]
At one point I thought these dinosaurs were going to hi-five because that’s exactly the level of sense this movie made. Jurassic World was terrible! But we laughed! We groaned. We eye-rolled! We grinned. We clapped! lol let us all live!
OK but still a C- score from me.
The most amazing thing about dinosaurs is that all of them, no matter the species, run exactly a half-second slower than whatever it is they happen to be chasing — whether that be an airplane, a motorcycle, a cargo truck, or a middle-aged woman!
“Science stuff” is a great way to smooth out plot holes.
I’ve only seen two Jurassic Park movies, but my friend Monica sent me this perfect 12-minute summary and I understood every inside joke in the new one! Watch here before you go: Recap of Every Jurassic Park Movie.
The “What the h*ll is going on here!?” Beat
Sincere apologies to every practicing Mormon who is just doing their thing, but I have to talk about all the Mormon-adjacent stuff in the media right now because it’s BONKERS!??! We’ve got:
Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey: Y’ALL. (!!!!) This new Netflix documentary—YIKES! It digs into the crimes of FLDS leader Warren Jeffs. (The FLDS is a fundamentalist sect that broke off of Mormonism.) It’s four episodes long and absolutely insane. Mega trigger warnings for spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, child abuse, domestic abuse, pretty much every kind of abuse. But—spoiler—the good guys win.
Under the Banner of Heaven: If you’re caught up on my newsletter, you know I *loved* this show. There’s a scene with Andrew Garfield in a garage that will stick with me forever. Also, great True Crime if that’s your thang.
On a less serious note, have you heard about the Swinging Mormon Moms of TikTok?!?? It’s called “MomTok” [which is a real miss on “MorMomTok”??] and it’s chaos in there! I’m trying not to become a gossip blog, but if you’re interested in learning how MomTok got famous and then got outed by one of their own as *swingers*, click the link above, or here’s a podcast summarizing the whole thing. I’ll say no more!
Truly all respect to the regular Mormons out there who have nothing to do with any of this. I am very sorry.
Reading - Taking YOUR recommendations!
In the survey, some of you mentioned you’d love some book reviews!
Bad news—I don’t read!
But I loved that feedback—especially as a former Bookworm who read War and Peace and Moby Dick back-to-back at the age of 16, just to prove I could! [Oh how the mighty have fallen.]
So, I wondered if any of you have some books you’ve loved recently that you’d recommend.
My cousin Lydia gave me the fantastic recommendation of Anxious People by Fredrik Backman, which I finally started! It’s beautifully written. And Kayla recommended Beach Read, which I’ve been ravenously listening to on audiobook instead of doing work!
Love love love!!!! I am intrigued by this new Persuasion. I cannot NOT watch it....😬😬 Also, Tom Cruise diva tactics are amazing. I need all the tea on the reshoots!
As always Hannah you deliver!