Hemsworth Villain Era

New movies streaming + Beyoncé preeminence + the Bradley/Jake "feud"

Oh, hello, Evil Glasses Man.

My friend Marianna [shout-out to Marianna!] texted the chat this week:

“So, not to put homeschoolers on blast ….but are there any iconic films that you have never watched that you’re afraid to admit you’ve never watched?”

Following this brave question was a photo with a handwritten list of three movies: “Titanic - Top Gun - Erin Brockovich.”

[We won’t comment on WHO in the group hasn’t seen them, but I am proud to say it wasn’t me!]

I came up with:

• Never Been Kissed

• Mrs. Doubtfire

• Love and Basketball

• Scream

• She’s All That

• Drumline

• The Big Lebowski

• Best in Show

• The Notebook [I watched half of it alone at my aunt’s house once and then felt guilty and turned it off and that’s what we call a good child!]

Also American Pie and Animal House, but those are rape culture and once again justify the sheltered homeschooling approach to life. ANYHOO.

I want your lists! There is ZERO SHAME here, only fun! What classic movies did you somehow miss? It doesn’t have to be because you were homeschooled. Drop a comment and let us know!

In the [Film] News

• Lady Gaga *might* be in the next Joaquin Phoenix Joker movie and it *might* be a MUSICAL!?!??? Imagine the absolute CIRCUS this press tour will be! Gaga and Phoenix, spinning in a frenzy of Method Acting! Also, crossing over the musical theater nerds with the comic book nerds? Can we survive this!? Reader, I tremble in fear! And obviously I will watch this IN THEATERS!!

• They [the Movie People] are making TWO PINOCCHIOS?? Disney is making a live-action one and Netflix/Guillermo del Toro are making another.

  Quick straw poll: What is your least favorite Disney movie and why is it freakin’ PINOCCHIO?? Second straw poll: If you had to guess who is playing Geppetto in the Disney version, how did you know it was Tom Hanks?

If I told you this was Bradley Cooper would you believe me?

• Bradley Cooper straight-up STOLE Jake Gyllenhaal’s movie!!! Apparently, Jake’s “lifelong dream” is to play Leonard Bernstein [iconic composer, wrote West Side Story, etc.]. But it turns out Mr. Bradley C. Cooper was ALREADY THERE, in the Library, with the Candlestick! Cooper’s project is called Maestro — he stars and directs, Carey Mulligan co-stars, and both Scorcese and Spielberg are attached as producers. In other words, Jake: Ya got DUNKED ON. Shocking stuff!

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Movies - Everything Everywhere is Streaming

Yes, that is a reference both to the film Everything Everywhere All at Once, AND the fact that so many movies were released to streaming this week! Several were in our Summer Movie Preview. So let’s see how we did.

Cha Cha Real Smooth: “B+”

Dakota Johnson, single-handedly making bangs sexy since 1999.

Enjoyable but VERY “Sundancey.” It’s one of those “White guy in his 20s makes witty indie film about being a young white guy figuring life out.” Woody Allen minus the creepiness. I found it to be: cute, sweet, very sincere, kind of heartwarming, kind of truthful, and a dollop of ~*~annoying~*~.

The annoying thing is how underdeveloped the other characters are — especially the women. For example, no one leans on counters licking a popsicle the way Dakota Johnson does in this movie! [“Depression, but make it sexy!!!”] Gag.

BUT, it was good-hearted and empathetic and funny and enjoyable most of the time! It even had some surprising moments of insight. So if you want that, go for it.

I also MUST say: Vanessa Burghardt, an actor on the autism spectrum, was so good and it was a big deal she was cast. The scenes with her really sing.

And also Leslie Mann. Always Leslie Mann.

Hustle: “A-”

This movie would’ve gotten an A+ with more Queen Latifa

I gave this a B+ and then Ben said it’s an A so we’re compromising because I’m amazing, relaxed, and open to change! A “cool girl” some would say!

Within this nearly two-hour movie, there is a perfect 90-minute film. [And if you like basketball montages, you will enjoy all 27 extra minutes!]

To be fair, I am solidly outside the Venn Diagram of people who would love this movie. If you love basketball, Adam Sandler, or Philadelphia, you will adore this film and probably cry more than once. [I cried once.]

Verdict: This movie is worth watching for Queen Latifa!

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent: “A”

These two have more chemistry than ‘98 Hanks and Ryan.

Listen. We are a NICK CAGE HOUSEHOLD. As a self-identified Nicholas Cage FAN, with all the bizarre and problematic accouterments to his existence, I’m both thrilled and apprehensive about the Cage-aissance in which we are living.

He’s been in the news for this movie and also for: The announcement that his 27-year-old wife is pregnant, the news that he has been tapped to play Dracula, and the fact that he now self-identifies as “a goth” and has a pet crow that yells profanities at him! Normal stuff!!

This movie takes all of that — the CAGE of it all, you might say — and turns it into comedy. LOVED IT. It’s absurd, over the top, meta, fantastic. [If you want an EXCELLENT Nicholas Cage film, please IMMEDIATELY watch Pig.]

We end with an unanswerable question: Is Pedro Pascal the most dynamic actor of our time!????

Spiderhead: “B” overall but “A-” for enjoyability

And the Oscar goes to: Jurnee Smollett’s tank tops

Was this deep? Were the characters complex? Was there a major plot twist? “Not exactly” to all three! And yet, I still really enjoyed it?! Sue me, I like pretty movies with pretty people where there’s something sinister afoot and you don’t have to work too hard to follow it!

It was fun watching Chris Hemsworth as an evil manipulative genius [spoiler? except everything in this movie is predictable?] acting against the extremely capable Miles Teller and Jurnee Smollett.

It’s based on a George Saunders short story — and what I know about George Saunders is all my favorite writers love him! There are some fascinating ideas to explore here even if they didn’t quite get there in the movie.

Everything Everywhere All at Once: “B+” for watchability, “A+” for artistry"

These three were honestly STUNNING, despite the movie being a little uneven. Give them all Oscars.

Okay, I feel like I’m gonna get ROASTED for this because literally everyone is like “This is the greatest movie ever made,” but I fell asleep during it and had to finish it this morning.

Pros:

• Incredible acting

• Incredible visual artistry

• Funny

• Mind-blowingly inventive and profound

Cons:

• A little too long

• A little bit slow

• The ultimate point of it is beautiful but you know what it will be from the beginning

I definitely recommend watching it if you love art and bizarre storytelling and/or multiverse stuff. It reminded me of two other beautiful, utterly profound movies: Big Fish and The Fall.

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Listening - Beyoncé’s Single

Drake and Beyoncé both released music almost back to back last week — Drake a whole album and Beyoncé a single called “Break My Soul.”

The DISCOURSE is that both B’s and Drake’s music sounded similar because BOTH drew unexpectedly from ‘90s House music. [Which you may know as “oontz-oontz music” but is much more historically and culturally complex! More on that in the Reading section!!]

While I enjoyed the single—particularly the Big Freedia parts—I even MORE enjoyed people roasting Drake on Twitter!

Saeed Jones @theferocity

Drake tried to give house and Beyoncé said “mmm, sounds more like apartment, bb.”

We love to see it!

The other big D “Discourse” around Beyoncé’s song is the “Quit your job” of it all. Or, as Matt Rogers of Las Culturistas put it:

“The way that she gave us the Club/House spiritual successor to Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5?!? That’s history!!”

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Reading - A Homeschooler From the 90s Learns about House Music

If you want to get ready for Beyoncé’s next album, it’s time to learn about the history and cultural impact of House Music, which was started by Black, queer artists.

• “Beyoncé, Drake and the revival of 90s house music” — BBC

• “House music had its Black roots ripped up – now Drake and Beyoncé are reclaiming them” — The Guardian

• “7 Albums That Reignited Our Love For House Music” — BET

  (Nothing will make you feel more powerful than walking the streets of NYC with BagBak blasting in your headphones! [But don’t listen around the children!!])

That’s all for this week! Thanks for being here, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Drop a comment and let me know what you think — I’ll see you next week! <3