Summer Blockbusters: Don't Call It a Cruise-aissance (but it is)

It's the Summer Movie Preview!

If you’re not online these days, you may have missed the absolute TIDAL WAVE of horniness that has erupted over everyone in this movie.

Happy Tuesday, everyone! Coming to you midweek because I spent the holiday weekend NOT writing because I’m great at boundaries. [Narrator: “She was not.”]

Instead, I luxuriated in the remote-yet-trendy hamlet of Narrowsburg, New York, where we sampled what the rich call “summering” — ie, eating at local farm-to-table restaurants, sipping Bordeaux, watching other people kayak, and hoping for a Mark Ruffalo sighting. [Link is to his wife, Sunrise—yes her name is Sunrise—giving her best Narrowsburg tips!]

Shout-out to Kayla and Rich for discovering Narrowsburg YEARS ago and snapping up that good-good real estate!

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This Week Was Hard

Before I get into the Summer Movie Preview, I wanted to take a quick pause because the past few weeks have been so hard. I hope you’re all getting the love and support you need right now and pausing when you need to. <3 Here are two things that have helped me process and act this week:

• Everytown.org. Incredible resources and easy ways to get involved.

• Plain English with Derek Thompson. The episode on America’s gun culture is very balanced and very educational and very urgent. [Full disclosure: I’ve had a massive journalist crush on Derek Thompson for 11 years.]

Now let’s preview some movies because film can be self-care, too. <3

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Summer Movies — Which are you excited about?

Movies are back!! Well, they’ve been back [thanks of course to Nicole Kidman’s moving AMC commercial that truly changed hearts and minds] but Summer 2022 feels like it’s that boyfriend/girlfriend who’s like “It’s for real this time, babe” and we’re all dumb/innocent enough to believe them.

So here’s our Summer Movie Preview in THREE sections based on whether I want to see them or not.

Obviously, I’d love to hear from y’all: Do I have these categorized correctly? Am I totally off? Is Crawdads going to be the film of the summer? Is Thor going to totally suck? Let me know what movies you’re most excited about!

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1. Movies I’m most excited about.

Top Gun: Maverick - OUT NOW!

This is supposed to be amazing and the reason I know that’s true is that even the snobs on NPR liked it!!

Apparently, it was filmed with IMAX cameras [film people are like “OMG Hannah can’t you at least learn the lingo?”] so GET THEE TO AN IMAX PRONTO! I’m going this week!

Thor: Love and Thunder - July 8th

According to my comic-book-loving friends, I have bush-league taste when it comes to the Marvel Universe because I think Captain America is boring and I loved Venom. So take this with a grain of salt, but I thought Thor was garbage until Taika Waititi took on Thor: Ragnarok and made it the best Marvel franchise ever!

I’m thrilled to see Waititi at the helm of yet another Thor, even though I’m undecided if our darling Natalie Portman can really do the Lady Thor thing?? But who am I!

Nope - July 22nd

“What’s a bad miracle? They got a word for that?”

DID YOU JUST GET GOOSEBUMPS BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DID.

This is Jordan Peele’s next film and The. Man. Does. Not. Miss. This is must-see, appointment cinema!! NO NOTES!!!! I’M SO NERVOUS AND SCARED AND EXCITED!!!!!

Don’t Worry Darling - September 23rd

Okay, this looks like a cross between The Stepford Wives and a Taylor Swift music video and I mean that in the best way!

This is the Olivia Wilde-directed film with Harry Styles, and yes it IS what broke up her nine-year relationship with Jason Sudeikis, and yes only Harry Styles could break up Ted Lasso’s marriage seven-year engagement and not get canceled!

Also, how great a boyfriend must Zach “Still Supports Woody Allen” Braff be that Florence Pugh stayed with him while filming sexy scenes with Harry Styles??

Cha Cha Real Smooth - June 17th

Readers will recall that I am on the fence about Dakota Johnson. Is she a great actress? Yes. Should she have gotten an Oscar nom for her utterly inscrutable, incomprehensible, incandescent performance/perfect beach body in The Lost Daughter? Yes. [Since watching that movie I have been inches away from buying ink-black, butt-length hair extensions SEVERAL times!!!] But could she be a low-tier sociopath who locks people in coffee shops and doesn’t feel pain? Also yes!

All that to say: I’m looking forward to watching her in this film that won the Audience Award at Sundance. [Read: Crowd-Pleaser!]

Fire Island - June 3rd

This is probably not gonna be great. However! As a devoted listener to the Las Culturistas podcast with Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers, I WILL be attending this film, possibly several times! Also, it’s billed as Pride & Prejudice but gay, and I’m all aboard. We have every other version of Pride & Prejudice, including Mormon, so it’s high time!

[If you have seen the Mormon remake of Pride & Prejudice, aptly subtitled “A Latter-Day Comedy,” please DM me, because for about six months of my teenage life I was *obsessed.*]

Vengeance - July 29th

From B.J. Novak comes—if the movie delivers on what the trailer is selling—the funniest movie of 2022??? It’s about a podcaster who goes to a funeral in Texas for a woman he barely knew and then gets involved in her family’s conspiracy that she was murdered. Seriously this looks hilarious and good-hearted! And Issa Rae is also here!

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2. Movies I’m gonna take a chance on!

Jurassic World - June 9th

Monica got me excited about this. I’ve only seen one of the Chris Pratt Jurassics, but this appears to be the finale and has all the original cast back, and in the trailer when Laura Dern delivers the most overdone movie line of all time (“You comin’ or what?”) with ZERO IRONY, I thought maybe I could get back on the horse velociraptor one more time.

Spiderhead - June 17th

Chris Hemsworth is a sinister genius who tests mind-altering drugs on Miles Teller and Jurnee Smollett! Blood-spattered walls abound! It’s fun how they think they can put glasses on Chris Hemsworth and make us believe he’s spent his whole life in a windowless bunker doing science experiments!

Mr. Malcolm’s List - July 1st

Bridgerton but feature-length and probably not as good?? Honestly, though, I’d watch Freida Pinto boil an egg so let’s do this!

The Gray Man - July 15th

Producer 1: “It’s been a tough few years for movies, what should we do?”

Producer 2: “Let’s make an excellent film with a gripping, original plot and fully drawn characters!”

Producer 1: “Or we could just make a movie with the five sexiest people alive.”

Producer 2: “Yeah, let’s just do that.”

Fin.

Bullet Train - August 5th

After they auditioned all the sexy people for The Gray Man, they decided to put half of them in Bullet Train instead. [That’s how it went in my imagination.] This looks like it’s going to be a mess, but a FUN MESS.

Also, supposedly Sandra Bullock and Brad Pitt have the same hairdresser and, in crossing paths at said hairdresser, agreed to cameo in each other’s movies. Brad was fabulous in The Lost City, so I’m excited to see what Sandra gets up to in this.

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3. And Finally: Movies I Don’t Care About That I Probably Should.

Lightyear - June 17th

I know I’m “probably” going to “love” this movie, but at this point in time, I can’t understand it. Like, okay, hear me out, Buzz Lightyear is a TOY. And in the Toy Story world, the toys are alive but they also live in the REAL WORLD. Where they are—and I cannot emphasize this enough—TOYS. So, what’s with Buzz Lightyear’s backstory being like he’s a real astronaut in outer space??? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE! How am I supposed to accept that this story has stakes???

Elvis - June 24th

There is too much sincerity in this and it makes me uncomfortable and it looks terrible. [But the songs slap, obviously.] Also, Tom Hanks: NO. You can’t do that accent and why are you in a fatsuit?? Just stop it!!!

I read that Austin Butler collapsed and was hospitalized right after he finished filming this, which brings me back to an important talking point on this newsletter: METHOD ACTORS, PLEASE STOP! Seriously, you can just pretend to be Elvis and then go have a hamburger and be a nice person and not nearly die!! In my professional opinion, method actors all kind of seem like assholes and also intent on glamorizing mental and physical abuse of yourself. I thought we all saw Black Swan and agreed to be more chill from now on!!

[Or maybe Elvis’ ghost was just getting revenge for how bad this movie looks.]

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On - June 24th

This will actually probably be incredible but it’s hard for me to imagine the adorable YouTube sensation as a feature-length film sustaining my full attention. But I’m ready to be proved wrong by the most lovable shell who ever lived! Also, this is A24 and they, like Jordan Peele, don’t really miss!

Where the Crawdads Sing - July 15th

I’m the only white girl from the South who hasn’t read Where the Crawdads Sing, but I similarly can’t get up the gumption to be excited about this movie, even though I love Daisy Edgar-Jones.

Here’s exactly why I’ve never felt motivated to read the book, from a summary online:

“A tale of a poor, uneducated yet strangely beautiful girl who grows up alone in a swamp while writing poetry and studying quantum physics.”

WHAT!???!?

🚩🚩🚩 “Poor and uneducated yet strangely beautiful”?? Gross! Why does this feel like it was written by a man? Why can’t she just be average-looking?? 🚩🚩🚩

🚩🚩🚩“Writing poetry and studying quantum physics”?? Gag, why don’t we just call it Manic Pixie Swamp Dreamgirl? 🚩🚩🚩

Sorry to everyone who actually read the book because obviously you’re well-read and enjoy spending time with good literature probably! Please tell me if I’m totally wrong about this!

And that’s all for this week! It was a doozy, thanks for sticking with me if you did! I hope you segmented this into several separate sessions of coffee and wine and snacks. 💜 Please tell me if I missed any movies you’re excited about, or why I should change my mind about the ones I listed! xoxo