All the Movies Fit to Print!

The Hallmark girlies and the Oscars hopefuls begging for our holiday attention

It’s HOLIDAY MOVIE SZN!!!!!!!!

November/December is when dignified, blue-blooded Oscars Hopefuls rub shoulders with the tipsy, sloppy, middle-class Hallmark girlies, plus whatever it is Lindsay Lohan is doing! I’m here for all of it!

This is also the part of cuffing season when newly minted relationships are tested by finding out you’re sleeping/canoodling with someone who has never seen [Fill In The Blank With Your Favorite Holiday Film].

And, of course, I want to know yours. [Thanks, Justin, for the idea!]

I want to know: What’s your number one holiday-themed, deal-breaker movie? The one you’ve told lovers, enemies, and friends: “We can’t work if you haven’t seen ___________?”

For Ben, it was Home Alone — which I did not watch in my youth on account of Kevin McCallister being a disrespectful little Brat. For me, it was It’s a Wonderful Life, which Ben had never watched on account of growing up in a proper capitalist home where no one can get past the fact that George Bailey should definitely have just fired Drunk Uncle Billy years ago.

I sincerely hope that none of you pick Love Actually because my favorite thing right now is this thread on Twitter of @ComedyFox absolutely ripping that film [deservedly] to shreds. [Will I still watch it? Yes, absolutely, yes.]

George Fox 🦊 @Comedyfox

My girlfriend made me watch the movie "Love Actually" for the first time ever last night and I would like to discuss what an absolute fucking unceasing nightmare every single scene in it is. WELCOME TO MY TED TALK...

Without further ado, we are going to look ahead [and behind!] to the most exciting movies of November/December.

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First—The Holiday Movies I’m Watching

(Sorry, actually none of them are Hallmark.)

Violent Night - in theaters Dec. 2

Try explaining this one to your six-year-old nephew when he sees this exact promotional image on the NYC subway! Let me tell you, it didn’t go well!

Trying to explain to a six-year-old why Santa is killing people and smoking a candy cane aside, I cannot wait for this! It looks like if John Wick and The Santa Clause had a baby, and that baby was Back-in-His-Dad-Bod David Harbour, kicking ass and taking names!

Spirited - in theaters Nov. 11 and Apple TV+ Nov. 18

I have only ever loved ONE version of A Christmas Carol, and that was the 1992 cinematic masterpiece The Muppet Christmas Carol. Not even the original by Charles J. H. Dickens himself [Slow! Dark! Dismal!] comes close.

I also tend to be bored by movie musicals, except for The Muppet Christmas Carol, The Sound of Music, and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers [which, upon rewatch, is just wall-to-wall YIKES, but oh well].

And yet: Spirited is a musical version of A Christmas Carol, and I absolutely adored it!! I’ll be putting it into my annual rotation thanks very much!!

Falling for Christmas - Netflix

I won’t say this movie was good because it was definitively BAD. But I WILL say that I somehow watched all 93 minutes of Lindsay Lohan and Some Ugly Guy from Glee having absolutely zero chemistry and not being nearly as funny as Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in Overboard [which, to be fair, is a movie about a kidnapping crime and Ben is still scandalized after I made him watch it and HE made ME reassess my feminism card].

The best part of this movie was her foppy influencer fiance, played by George Young. Give us a romcom with him and that gristled ice-fisherman!!

A Christmas Story Christmas - on HBO Max Nov. 17

This is a remake with adult Rickie or Rusty or whatever tf his name was. It’s getting shockingly good reviews??? Are these Nostalgia Goggles at work, or is it actually worth a viewing??? Drop a comment!

Obviously, there are a hundred THOUSAND more holiday movies out — including one starring Freddie Prinze Jr. with a speedily retreating hairline?? — but that’s just not my bag!

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Non-Holiday Movies

The Fabelmans - in theaters Nov. 11

I was sort of excited about this fictionalized retelling of Steven Spielberg’s life starring Paul Dano and Michelle Williams, even though it sounds very boring. Wellp, turns out it is, in fact, quite boring, but people like it anyways! Let me know if you’re watching because I just can’t get up the gumption!

The Wonder - on Netflix Nov. 16

This looks musty as hell, but it’s starring Florence Pugh [with a Harry Styles/living in the smokestacks/working-class Birmingham/chimney-sweep accent!], so we MUST WATCH!

From what I can remember when I watched the trailer three weeks ago, FloPugh is a nurse(?) who gets called to a remote Irish(?) village where a young girl has not eaten for several(?) days(?), and the town suspects she is possessed?/a witch?/something??.

Let’s get Florence her Oscar! She single-handedly turned America around on Amy March, and that is something!

Disenchanted - on Disney+ Nov. 18

I heard this was bad, and, Reader, I am not ready to investigate why that made me so sad! I was really hoping this would be the feel-good film of the season! James Marsden!!

The Menu - in theaters Nov. 18

I don’t hate it when a little Halloween horror creeps into November. This looks similar to that fabulous movie The Hunt with the mean blonde best friend from Glow, or that short story that all 90s kids inexplicably read in high school, The Most Dangerous Game.

It’s directed by some guy connected to Succession and stars the incredible Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicholas Hoult, and Ralph Fiennes. Yes, I will be watching these peculiarly beautiful people try, presumably, to kill and eat each other!

She Said - in theaters Nov. 18

What’s more fun during the holidays than an exposé on rampant, institutionally protected sexual assault?? These filmmakers really said, “Life is serious and dark and ugly, and we can’t let people distract from that with tinsel and joy and Christmas cookies!”

This is the movie — starring Carey Mulligan and the doll-eyed girl from The Big Sick — about the Weinstein investigation. I’ll wait till the January doldrums to watch it, but yes, I will be watching.

Bones and All - in theaters Nov. 18

If you ever needed proof we’re in a simulation, here’s a movie where Timothée Chalamet—acclaimed for his role in Call Me By Your Name where he costars with IRL known alleged cannibal Armie Hammer—plays an actual cannibal!????

I am a big fan of Timotay, as you know, but, as I believe he will be eating people in this movie, I have decided I am not wanting to be a part of that. No thank you!

I will be reading the plot on Wikipedia!

Devotion - in theaters Nov. 23

Put Jonathan Majors in a movie, any movie, and I will watch that movie! I literally screamed aloud in the movie theater when I saw the Creed III trailer, and Majors popped up!

Add in Top Gun beefcake Glen Powell, and keep the fighter pilot theme cuz I guess that’s all Glen Powell can do [if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!!!], and you’ve got yourself an “I’m interested!”

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery - in theaters Nov. 23, on Netflix Dec. 23

This was in theaters for the length of one cough and a sneeze and then whisked away again. Why Netflix decided to release it only in a handful of theaters and only for a week is beyond me. But now we all have to wait until December 23 to see this Certified Fresh sequel to Knives Out.

Nanny - in theaters Nov. 23, on Amazon Dec. 16

Another scary movie for your holiday consideration! One review called it a “psychological horror fable,” which sounds like one of those new Spotify music genres. It’s about a woman who emigrates to America and takes a job as a nanny with a wealthy family, and, in official terms, some freaky-deaky woo-woo shit starts happening to her. I assume it will have a lot of deep meaning about displacement, home, fear, belonging, etc.

White Noise - in theaters Nov. 25, on Netflix Dec. 30

Greta Gerwig’s husband directs, Greta stars, and if that wasn’t enough to convince you, everyone’s favorite ugly/sexy actor of the decade, Adam Driver, also stars!

I tried to find out what it’s about by skimming the plot on Wikipedia through unfocused eyes [hoping thusly to filter out spoilers? because that makes perfect sense?] but I cannot tell you what it is about except that it seems like it’s a combination of Little Miss Sunshine and Station Eleven.

Emancipation - in theaters Nov. 18

Will Smith stars in this based-on-true-events story about a man escaping enslavement on a Louisiana plantation. I definitely want to watch this, though again, a tough one for the holidays.

I also hope it does well because I would love Will Smith’s legacy as an actor to correct itself again? I’ve said this before but can’t we move on as a society from The Slap?

Spoiler Alert - in theaters Dec. 2

From Michael Showalter, who directed The Big Sick and many other great comedies, comes another “rom-com” that ends up being about sadness and loss. Jim Parsons, Ben Aldridge, Sally Field. This looks sweet and heartbreaking and worth the watch.

Women Talking - in theaters Dec. 2

Here we have a sepia-filtered, bleak as hell Oscar movie that will probably be incredibly slow and incredibly profound, and incredibly un-fun. I suffered through The Power of the Dog, though, so you know I will also watch this.

[Also because it’s about Abused Women Deciding They Ain’t Taking That Shit No More, and you know that is my favorite genre, see my hottest take, “Enough is JLo’s greatest cultural contribution.”]

The Whale - in theaters Dec. 9

There’s a category of actors who over time transcend their body of work and become Internet Darlings — often out of nostalgia for our childhood or because of a few iconic performances that fans unite over. These aren’t the Florence Pughs or the Jennifer Lawrences, who have their star moments. These are the cult favorites.

Brendan Fraser is their King. And now comes his Oscars turn!

He’s back in our hearts and minds with a buzzy A-24 film that had everyone at Cannes screaming-crying-throwing-up. All I know is it’s about a man who is 600 pounds and decides to reconnect with his grown-up daughter. You will get absolutely none of that from the trailer, which alternately seems like a horror film, a nature documentary, an art installation, and a tragic little play.

I cannot wait.

I Wanna Dance with Somebody - in theaters Dec. 21

It’s hard to see anyone else as Whitney Houston. Also, I know that Whitney’s former manager, whom Kelly Clarkson has called a bully, was instrumental in making this. He is played by Stanley Tucci in cheap prosthetics that look almost as fake as Tom Hanks in the melting fat suit in Elvis! What are we doing here, guys??

Babylon - in theaters Dec. 23

I’m gonna admit this from the start—I did not love La La Land, which was directed by Damien Chazelle who also made Babylon, so you can take all this with a grain of salt because I know everyone else in the world LOVED La La Land—but this movie looks absolutely ridiculous.

First of all, way too many A-Listers in the cast. The only time that worked was in The Departed, and I would argue that movie could’ve done a little less. Second of all, what is even going on? Third of all, why? Fourth of all, the editor of this trailer was obviously doing speed but failed to hide the fact that this movie is an InstaPot disaster that exploded thick, sticky goop all over the kitchen. Fifth of all, it is over three hours long.

I rest my case.

A Man Called Otto - in theaters Christmas Day

I am about to say something that will make me hate myself.

I thought this trailer was pretty cute.

So sue me!!! So I want to feel good about humanity at Christmas!! This seems like the perfect movie to pop on during the afternoon of December 25th, after the kids open all their presents and everyone is napping, eating, and warding off the feeling of impending endless winter!

Thanks for reading! This one was a doozy! What did I miss? What movies are you most excited about this holiday season? I’d love to hear! 🎄