House of the Dragon Power Rankings - Ep. 9 "The Green Council"
After a Peace King dies, sh*t really gets fun
Spoilers! Also this post may be too long for email (because of all the memes!) so you can read it here.
“After a Peace King dies, shit really gets fun.”
-Ben, an Enneagram 8
What an episode! We’ve been trained to expect certain things in a Game of Thrones penultimate episode — things like the Red Wedding or the Battle of the Bastards or Pedro Pascal’s head getting smashed like a grape.
This wasn’t exactly that, but it was something fresh. It felt daring to spend the entire second-to-last episode without two of the show’s leads. But I say they pulled it off! [Thanks to Olivia Cooke continuing to outkick her coverage in every scene.]
Let’s get to our rankings! We’ve got 13 this week!
#1 RHAENYS!!! (last week: #8)
RHAENYS FROM “BENEATH THE BOARDS” WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!!!!!!!!
“Queen Who Never Was”?? I think you mean “Queen I’d Like to You-Know-What”!
[Too bad “QUILF” sounds horrific or I would definitely say “Make QUILF happen.” 🤔]
Counterpoint: She just killed a ton of civilians and for WHAT. You can’t finish the job, Rhaenys?? Cersei blew up the entire Sept and killed half the country and all those monks, and you just what…breathed on the competition??
Counterpoint to the Counterpoint: That’s why Rhaenys is better.
“And yet you toil still in service to men. You desire not to be free but to make a window in the wall of your prison.”
DAAAAAAMN!!
Rather a reversal of her argument with Young Rhaenyra in Episode 2 when she was basically like, “Sorry, kid, this is the way things are.” Has Rhaenyra changed her? Has the death of her daughter and the loss of her son made her see the board differently? Has she seen the chess pieces move enough for women to make their claim??? SEEMS SO.
What would I give for an Alicent/Rhaenys/Rhaenyra TRIAD!!!!
#2 Alicent (lw: #5)
ALICENT VS. OTTO: ALICENT WINS!!!! My friends, you know I have been waiting for this! When she said to her World’s Worst Dad, “Now the debt comes due,” I screamed!
This was a great episode for us Alicent Sympathizers out there. [I didn’t say “Supporter” I said “Sympathizer.”] We’ve been TELLING y’all she doesn’t want Rhaenyra dead and now we all know! Her shock they’ve been plotting the takeover all along—“The king did not wish for the murder of his daughter!” She may not have a plan, but whatever she’s doing worked right up until the dragon thing.
I know I just said Rhaneys should’ve finished the job when she had the chance to roast all the Hightowers at once, but now I’m going to go back on that and say you know I would’ve been kind of sad to see Alicent go. Also, Alicent may not have won Rhaenys to their side, but the connection she was able to make with her as a mother is for sure the only reason they didn’t all get turned to S’Mores right then and there.
#3 Aemund Hightower-Targaryen (lw: #7)
Aemund and I can both agree: Why didn’t Alicent just say, “I heard the King’s final word and it was definitely ‘Aemund’! ‘Aemund’ for sure! Definitely not ‘Aegon,’ who is obviously my dumbest/worst child and also could be confused for Rhaenyra’s son!”
But he’s out here still toiling away for his mom and for power and he’s doing a bang-up job! Also, his tiny “bow” at his brother’s coronation that was BARELY a nod! We love to see a Petty Prince! He needs to be stomped along with the rest of them, but hard not to admire.
#4 Mysaria, the White Worm (last ranked in ep 2: #8)
She has demands! She is grassroots! Power to the People! She’s getting out the vote! She is Anonymous! She is…dead??
Not so fast, not until we see a body! Mysaria is playing with fire and that might be really, really dumb. But all I’m saying is she used to play with Daemon, so our girl is used to the HEAT.
Tip for Mysaria: Don’t give up your hostage so easily? Ask for one of the other kids or something!
#5 Lord Commander Westerling (lw: unranked)
Hero. Periodt.
#6 Larys Strong
Well, last week I dubbed him 4Chan-Creep Larys, and how right I was! And now I must tragically add: OnlyFans Larys. [OnlyLarys?] 🤢
WHY DOES ALICENT NEED TO PUT UP WITH THIS!?!??? Really, Alicent, was it WORTH IT??
We do not kink shame here, but kink is about mutuality and consent, and that’s not what this was!!
Burn this man.
#7 Helaena Hightower-Targaryen (lw: #10)
Approximately 10 hours after finishing this episode, a realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I frantically texted Ben in the middle of the workday: “There is a beast beneath the boards!!!!”
She’s making her prophecies again and we love to see it! But honestly, I thought her most insightful quote was right before this: “It is our fate, I think, to crave always what is given to another.”
That’s pretty much the story of House of the Dragon, is it not? All this anger and war and bitterness can be condensed down to that idea. We have Alicent, Aemund, Aegon, Criston, Daemon, even Rhaenyra, driven by this. And for most of them, it was craving the love of Viserys. [Or, in Criston’s and Alicent’s case, Rhaenyra.]
#8 Erryk/Arryk (lw: unranked)
That’s gonna be a no from me on these twins having the exact same name. Like, George R. R. Martin, sir, we know you ran out of names and you’re just pulling stuff out of your a*s at this point. Same with “Kevan” Lannister and “Aemma” Arryn.
[Did you know there’s also a character named GROVER Tully with a grandson named ELMO and two great-grandsons named…wait for it…KERMIT and OSCAR??? Gang’s all here except Big Bird and Cookie Monster!!]
Anyways, the twin who helped spring Rhaenys is the one who gets our power ranking this week. Good job, Man With The Stupid Name.
#9 Incel Criston Cole (lw: #13)
Can we, like, not deal with this man? He is UNHINGED!!
Criston This Week: “Every woman is an image of the Mother to be spoken of with respect.”
Criston Three Episodes Ago: “Spoiled c****.”
Unfortunately for us, he did a pretty good job in terms of holding onto power this episode, though it was mostly Aemund’s and Alicent’s help that got him here.
#10 Otto (lw: #6)
I’ve been out here telling you it was Otto All Along! Alicent heard me plead last week for someone to stomp him.
#11 Lyman Beesbury + Rhaenyra Supporters in King’s Landing — RIP
Tough Stuff! Once again, if we learned anything from Ned Stark it’s that the honest, loyal, honorable people get stomped!
Bells for Lyman and that other guy who tried to escape. You were good dudes as far as we can tell. Did not deserve to have your brains smashed on a marble.
#12 Aegon Hightower-Targaryen (lw: #11)
This whiny little blonde monster is giving real Joffrey vibes but with a self-awareness that makes him horribly tragic.
When Alicent stepped in front of him to shield him from the dragon, I nearly fainted. I know he’s your son and all but please Alicent, not for this kid!
I will say one way he’s following in his father’s footsteps: Being literal KING and still losing in the Power Rankings.
#13 Commoners of King’s Landing
These innocent unshowered masses all got dragged to some stupid princeling perv’s coronation before they could even finish breakfast! Where is the justice! If I can’t have my oatmeal every morning by 9am, I’m just saying I'm the dragon!
And on top of missing breakfast, like 200+ get killed just because two rich families are in a fight over who daddy loved best!??
Mysaria was right!