House of the Dragon Power Rankings - Ep. 5 "We Light the Way"
The first rule of Dragon Fight Club is: You DO NOT throw a wedding.
Does it need to be said? Spoilers for Episode 5!
Chaos is a ladder.
If you thought Game of Thrones was about bad people, buckle up! GoT was far more violent than House of the Dragon has been, but at its heart, Thrones was all: “We like sweet wittle teddy bears! Hodor is here! Nice guys finish first! (after most of them die!)” Or, as Tyrion more eloquently put it, GoT had a tender spot in its heart for “cripples, bastards, and broken things.”
House of the Dragon has no such tender spot, y’all!! Even the cripples and bastards are snakes and murderers! People compare GoT to Succession, but thematically it was a more porny, murdery Lord of the Rings? House of the Dragon is actually Succession. It’s White Lotus. It’s A Good Man is Hard to Find. Nice guys really do finish last — if there were any nice guys in the first place!
All that to say. If I had to pick a theme for House of the Dragon — instead of “cripples, bastards, and broken things,” it would be Littlefinger’s line: “Chaos is a ladder.”
And y’all, this week Alicent gathered up those voluminous emerald robes, and she climbed that damn ladder! Let’s get to the rankings!
What would your theme be for House of the Dragon?
#1 Queen Alicent Hightower
“Alicent? More like AliCAN!”
-Sarah (my twin, the true writer and pun-maker of the family)
Every week, I’ve battled myself over whether to rank Alicent #1 because our girl is out here making everyone else look bush league.
And now, finally, Alicent has done it! The steel has entered her soul! Team Alicent, UNITE! I’ve already rewatched her wedding feast entrance several times. That was some Miranda Priestly shit! Fashion as politics! Fashion as war! She said Girl Bye to those Targaryen reds! She said WAR COLORS, HUNNY!! She said, “The tabloids will still be talking about ‘The Green Dress’ when all of you are dead.”
She is roasting those Targaryens. She one-upped Daemon, who was obviously trying to have the most dramatic entrance. With the simple, devastating word “step-daughter,” she informed Rhaenyra that their friendship is officially over. Then, in her final move of the episode, she enlists Criston as her newest ally! And, honey, it ain’t petty — in the game of the thrones, it’s life and death.
#2 The Velaryon Fam
Okay, Laenor took a huge hit when his boyfriend ended the episode without a face, and that was awful.
However. As a family, this was a huge power episode for the Velaryons. Corlys disrespected the hell out of the king on the betrothal visit — exposing how impotent his rule has become. Rhaenys literally wears PANTS when she’s lounging about at home — an athleisure queen! They got their son wed up to the future queen. Their daughter is out here making moves on every powerful man she sets her sights on. And Corlys and Rhaenys OBVI still have a hot sex life and the only honest marriage in Westeros!
It’s a lot of wins, despite the dead boyfriend thing.
Minus points for Corlys being all “my son’s sexual orientation is a phase,” but plus points for Rhaenys being like, “Bro.”
#3 The Strong Men - Lyonel, Larys, and Harwin
If you recall, Lyonel is the only person in Westeros I trust — and this week he’s the King’s new Hand and continues his excellent council saying it’s better to reign in peace than to have songs sung about you after you’re dead. Solid advice! As the only sensible person in the entire bunch, he’s Gerri from Succession before the whole Roman Roy of it all. Love this guy.
Unlike his dad, Larys is opting for the Wormtongue strategy, and it’s working. Whispering his *pregnant* little secrets to the Queen… Do we have our new Littlefinger? Remember during the hunting episode, how he stayed back with the women and listened to all the hot goss? If we learned anything from Gossip Girl, it’s that one little rumor can take down a Queen.
We also shout out Harwin who saved Rhaeny from the wedding fight by chucking her over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes!
#4 Otto Hightower
Otto may technically be off the boards, but he’s still very much in play. Thanks to some well-placed, if manipulative, advice to Alicent, he’s assured her loyalty moving forward against Rhaenyra.
#5 Rhea Royce, Legend in Our Hearts
Listen, our girl might’ve gotten herself killed, which might not seem like a “power ranking” move per se. But I don’t care! Her memory lives on! She went out with trash talk on her lips! She Bravehearted that shit! For that, we honor her.
Also, something tells me Daemon is gonna have a hard time getting that inheritance since he never consummated the marriage, and she was smart enough to make sure everyone in Westeros knew it. Even in death, she’s sticking it to her shitty husband?
Daemon could never deserve you. Give us the Rhea Royce spinoff we deserve!
#6 Daemon “Chaos is a Ladder” Targaryen
Back on his middle child bullshit, Daemon killed his wife and is now flirting with his teenage cousin and niece — for what? Attention, mostly?!?
Daemon isn’t a “power player.” He’s the Joker. Daemon doesn’t have the throne in his sights so much as just being able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and make life terrible for anyone who doesn’t shower him with affection. Of course, he won’t say no to power, either, I’m guessing.
The King did nothing when Daemon just waltzed into the feast after being banned from King’s Landing. Meaning: Daemon’s back on the ladder, and he’s climbing.
#7 Rhaenyra Targaryen
On paper Rhaeny is doing great, but a few bad moves lost her two of her staunchest supporters: Alicent and Criston. She continued her blithe “I can do bad all by myself” act, naively prancing through the episode as if she’s one of the boys instead of listening to Alicent’s episode-4 advice and shoring up her defenses.
Things were going her way for a while, sure: proposing an open marriage to Laenor so she can get her jollies, shutting down Criston wildly shooting his shot [she said: “…but I’m rich…”], and daring Daemon to kidnap her in a weird twisted incest sex fantasy. She said, “I am the crown,” after all!
But then Alicent said “step-daughter,” and it was bye-bye Rhaeny for me. Her treatment of Alicent and Criston is about to come back to bite her in the a*s, and she’s too blind to see it. Alicent is already sharpening her weapon.
#8 Ser Criston Cole
This was a terrible episode for our boy Criston. First, his marriage proposal got rejected, and then our sweet summer child SNAPPED. He snapped like no one has ever snapped. He snapped so hard Thanos wants his money back.
What could cause our dear gentle giant to punch an innocent man’s face into mush??!? Well, for one: Criston is suffering. He is sick with shame, writhing in grief, racked with regret. Let’s not forget that what Rhaeny did to him was a form of assault and also that he is the son of someone’s mistress — it’s personal.
But my sister Sarah posited a further theory I hadn’t thought about. Obviously, Criston is in a vortex of shame, and he didn’t love it when Laenor’s red-headed boyfriend was like, “Hey, girl! Let’s be whores together!” But whatever set him off happened while Rhaeny and Daemon were openly ogling each other on the dance floor. Seems like our eagle-eyed Ginger Boyfriend went back over to Criston and said something nasty about them. And that’s when our boy SNAP-snapped!
What do you think made Criston lose it? Jealousy? Protectiveness over Rhaenyra? Hurt and shame at being rejected? Disgust at the idea of Rhaenyra and Daemon? Fear that it might be true? All of the above?
#TeamCristonandAlicent
#9 King Viserys
Viserys is an exhausted dad just trying to put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour, and instead, it’s all tantrums and creepy uncles and guys’ heads being punched in. Tough stuff!
Rhea Royce at least had the balls to go out swinging. Viserys is personifying “Not with a bang but a whimper.”
“People compare GoT to Succession, but thematically it was a more porny, murdery Lord of the Rings? House of the Dragon is actually Succession. It’s White Lotus. It’s A Good Man is Hard to Find. Nice guys really do finish last — if there were any nice guys in the first place!”
YES. 🤣🤣🤣
100% agree with these rankings!!!! #TeamCristonandAlicent!!!!
(Also, too bad my pun worked better when I misspelled Alicent “Alicant.” 😆🫠)
#9 tired ass dad - sooo relatable. Everyone… do less!