House of the Dragon Power Rankings - Ep. 8 "The Lord of the Tides"
The more you f*ck around, the more you're gonna find out!
Spoilers
I have gotten into SEVERAL (two) fights (DMs) this week where I have found myself vociferously defending Alicent and her “complexity” against the HATERS (reasonable people).
And listen, I don’t want to be one of those sociopaths (Ben) who is all “Thanos had his reasons,” but… Alicent had her reasons!!!! Fight me! [aka: leave a comment lol]
Yes of course I’m Team Black/Dhaemyra all the way, but Alicent is the tortured villain we deserve! Anyone who ever said “I want the background story on Cersei” — WISH. GRANTED.
Anyhoo, on to this week’s rankings! This week we’ve got 14 — and my friend Adam had the brilliant idea to add a note about where each one was ranked last week, so we can see movement.🔥
#1 King Viserys (last week’s rank: 11th)
Write Paddy Considine’s name on every Emmy!!! Listen. Is our guy dead? Yes. Is everything bad that happened to his family ultimately his fault? Also yes. Did he make a real Shakespearean f*ck-up in his final breaths, potentially launching an intergenerational war? Also yes!
But with that last grueling pilgrimage from the doors of the Great Hall up to his Iron Throne, Viserys sealed himself in our hearts, minds, and everlasting souls!
He was Samwise Gamgee carrying Frodo up Mount Doom. He was Shadow climbing out of the San Francisco Rail Yard just to get back home to Peter. He was Eric Liddell crossing the finish line in Chariots of Fire with the ‘81 synths playing in the background.
He came through for his girl!!! Look, our guy made some big mistakes. But I’m giving him this. Full salute to Viserys. You were a terrible king, but a real human being. Or in the words of the great Paddy Considine: “He was too human to be king.”
Bells for King Viserys!
#2 Daemon “F*ck Around and Find Out” Targaryen (last week’s rank: 4th)
Murdering someone for calling your niece-wife a whore — I think that’s what Gen Z calls Toxic Masculinity?? But apparently nobody cares as long as it’s DAEMON TARGARYEN doing the murder!!!!
I will take a moment to marvel at how he left the beheaded tongue attached. Again: Daemon the scholar. Daemon the anatomy student!
Daemon hit so many notes in this episode with so few words. He gave us — Rock-Climber Boyfriend — Excited Farmer Discovering Eggs — Grieving Brother — Supportive Uncle-Husband — Sherlock Holmes — Sarcastic King — and Cold-Blooded Executioner! He looked Aegon up and down and said, “I’m Gucci, you’re Crocs.” For that, we must stan.
#3 Drugs in Westeros (last week’s rank: UNRANKED!)
Uhm, shockingly coming in pretty high—despite the leeches and the milk of the poppy bullshit—is DRUGS IN WESTEROS!!!
Like, how is Viserys still ALIVE??? If not for the drugs, this man could’ve died in peace sixteen years ago! Also, did you see how well they preserved the top of Vaemond’s head? Honestly looked ready for a stint at Madame Tussauds.
#4 Rhaenyra Targaryen (last week’s rank: 1st)
Y’all, where is the girl who just wanted to eat cake and ride her dragon?
Rhaenyra is a Business B*tch now. Alicent’s mistake is she never stopped seeing Rhaenyra as that carefree, careless age when their friendship ended. Grown Rhaenyra is steel and heart at the same time. Our Queen.
[But also not to be an Alicent apologist because I’M NOT, but let’s not forget Rhaenyra married her uncle, won’t tell her cousin-once-removed that she didn’t actually have her son killed, oh and is kind of a nepotism baby. We all have our dark side that’s ALL.]
#5 Queen Alicent Hightower (last week’s rank: 3rd)
She’s terrifyingly self-righteous. She’s dangerously powerful. She’s potentially poisoning her husband. [Which, like, isn’t good but I can’t say he doesn’t deserve?? He put babies in her when she was fourteen!] Her kids suck. Her slut shaming card is in her back pocket ready to play at all times. All of this IS TRUE.
But, uh, our girl was basically sitting the throne out here unchecked! She started from the bottom [upper-middle] now she’s here!
She took some serious L’s this episode when Daemon cut the head off one of her key supporters, and she seemed to hesitate a lot when it came to being outright cold-blooded. But with Aemund in her pocket, Otto skulking around in the back, and Viserys’s final muddled words — she’s ready for another round.
On the subject of that Dinner Scene, let’s divide ourselves: Do you think Alicent meant what she said when she toasted Rhaenyra? I think she at least believed that she did. Rhaenyra definitely meant her toast, and she was the brave one to do it first. But I think there’s a little girl inside of Alicent who still wants to have an open heart. Cancel me!
#6 Otto Hightower (last week’s rank: #5)
To everyone who “hates Alicent,” save your hate for this assh*le — the one who forced Alicent at age 14 to marry his aging, widowed, bedsore-ridden coworker. “We must think of the REALM!” says Yzma in Emporer’s New Groove.
Otto is the worst. And he’s been running the country for six years apparently. There’s an argument to be made that he should always rank above Alicent because he’s the one pushing her.
#7 Aemund Hightower-Targaryen (last week’s rank: #2)
Too smart, too evil, too many steps ahead of the “Strong boys”—and we should all be very, very worried! He showed his youth here a little bit, but he’s clearly learned from his mom how to throw shade with the best of them, and did we forget he literally has the BIGGEST DRAGON? I am stressing!
Props to Daemon for saying with a look: “Bro, this little act you’re doing right now? I invented it.”
#8 Rhaenys Velaryon (last week’s rank: 8th)
There is only ONE THING I want in the WHOLE WORLD: For Rhaenys to know that her only son Laenor is alive and kicking it with his boyfriend in Fire Island Essos!!! Can we not tell her??? What are we doing here!?
She really came through for Rhaenyra even though this is the one thing I can truly say Rhaenyra did NOT deserve — but Rhaenys is allying herself with the correct side, and our girl is still alive while everyone around her is dying.
#9 Baela & Rhaena Targaryen (last week’s rank: UNRANKED)
What if we just like…Gave them the throne? Give them the dragons, give them the throne. Smart, kind, great hair, stick together. Honestly, protect these women at all costs. I’m for it.
#10 Helaena Hightower-Targaryen (last week’s rank: #6)
Neurodivergent Queen, you deserve better! That’s all I have to say.
#11 Aegon Hightower-Targaryen (last week’s rank: dead last)
Well, first of all, there are TWO Aegons now, and that’s not confusing at all! I saw someone Tweet, “You cannot spoil House of Dragons for me because I do not know anyone's name.” This show is absolutely giving Russian Novel/Final Boss levels of difficulty.
Anyhoo, Alicent’s Aegon is the f*cking worst, and it felt really good when she slapped him! Can’t wait for Aegon #2 to not be a baby anymore and go, “There can only be one Aegon!” and STOMP HIM.
#12 Rhaenyra’s Definitely Legitimate, Nothing Amiss, All Good Here, Also Very Strong Boys (last week’s rank: #7)
Um, these cuties??? They’re gonna die for sure! The cat’s out of the bag! The words “bastards” and “whore” were said in court, and even though that guy’s head is gone, that shit doesn’t just go away.
These kids are just sweet and kind and have crushes on their cousins [normal! those cousins are HOT!]. But, unless you’re Jon Snow, the good guy schtick doesn’t go great in Westeros. Regardless of their impending doom, I love that Rhaenyra raised boys who seem so affectionate, caring, and kind. Such a rare thing.
#13 Criston Cole & Larys Strong (last week’s rank: # 9 &10)
Incel Criston is sulking around somewhere in the castle with 4Chan-Creep Larys. Their relative absence from this episode is giving me paranoia hives!
#14 Vaemond Velaryon (last ranked on week 3: #9)
Well, I guess he also f*cked around and found out. This guy is from Boston for sure — can’t keep his mouth shut or his head on straight! What is that phrase? The tallest poppy gets cut? I think that means something else but feels right here.
Sorry to this man.
The only thing I want to know is, why is every episode so dark??? I feel like I’m wandering through one of my dreams where I can’t see where I’m going or make out what anything is.
I’M LAUGHING TOO HARD AT SO MANY THINGS 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 how to name them all??!
The only thing I disagree with — maybe not practically but from my GUT — is that Rhaenys should be #1 like always and forever!!!?!?!!
Also I am 100% pro Alicent even if she is really the super evil villain. And I think she and Rhaenyra had a real remembering of their sisterhood/friendship during that toast, and it was 100% HEARTFELT.