I'm Just a Girl. Standing in Front of Hugh Grant. Asking Him Not to Jump-Scare Her.
'Heretic' and 'Conclave' have a lot to say about religion and faith.
This week, a little pop culture news catch-up, two movies that had me ready for a Philosophy of Religion seminar, plus a few gems to watch on streaming.
Welcome back! No post last week as I spent the holiday weekend catching up on movies, including a lunchtime matinee of Conclave where a woman sat herself down five seats away from me in a nearly empty theater and set up an entire charcuterie board worthy of its own life story. No amount of side-eye1 from me would deter her from laying out those cured meats and cheeses!
[I, who once brought an entire loaf of chocolate babka into a movie theater and snacked on it with a fork, should not be throwing the first stone; but this is MY BLOG so I get to say what I want!]
I also went with friends to see the new “Hugh Grant horror movie,” Heretic. Not to spoil my own newsletter, but I very much enjoyed them both. Me and my 100-percent critical reading score on the SAT love a literary theme, and these two movies complemented each other thematically in a way I can only describe as “ASMR for literary nerds.”
Both explore themes of faith vs. certainty, control vs. surrender, tradition vs. evolution. Not to give out ideas for free, but if I were a professor I’d assign them for a compare/contrast paper.
I also watched Blink Twice, Zoe Kravitz’s directorial debut starring her then-but-tragically-no-longer-fiance, Channing Tatum.2 While Blink Twice wasn’t about religion, it was also a skillful and somewhat fresh take on abuse of power and control, which Heretic and Conclave are similarly preoccupied with.
So, we’ll get into my reviews below, but first a detour into shallower waters!
In the News: Nothing like a good hollow debate
You know that scene in Father of the Bride where Steve Martin is so excited to gift his daughter a cappuccino maker for her wedding and he’s running joyfully downstairs to show it to her, only to hear a honk in the driveway and see that his far-wealthier future in-laws have gifted her a red convertible?
Well, that’s basically what Vanity Fair did to People magazine last week….
🤵🏻♂️ I’m sure you’ve heard that People declared John Krasinski the Sexiest Man Alive. As always, we arrived here via the scientific method known as “stirring shit up.” Everyone started piling on as they always do, arguing corruption and asking to speak to the manager, etc. — or defending him as a nice family man who has exactly the type of charm many women want. [My opinion, if anyone had ASKED, is that it should go to The Entire Cast of Gladiator 2.] Anyways.
💃🏻 The very next day after People’s announcement, Vanity Fair released its Hollywood Issue, featuring “a dozen of the industry’s brightest lights.” These are … the cool kids. The breathtaking upper-crust of trendy celebs. The celestial beings who deign to share a little glow. The “you can’t sit with us” level of sex appeal. Vanity Fair bravely says, “John Krasinski, who? Our party has Zendaya.” [AND Glen Powell AND Sydney Sweeney AND Jonathan Bailey AND Zoe Saldana AND Dev Patel AND Josh O’Connor AND even the new sexy Doctor Who for the edgy nerds!]
It’s so petty and mean-girl- and Steve-Martin’s-rich-in-laws-coded. [Yes, in this story, John Krasinski is a cappuccino-maker.]
🙎🏼♂️ Fun fact: Ryan Gosling has reportedly turned down Sexiest Man Alive at least twice. Theories abound that it’s an award that can be bought or solicited by a savvy publicist. Whether that’s true or not, the winner does have to at the very least agree to it. Gosling has refused. I admire him so much for doing something I would NEVER have the moral character to do.
Question for you, dear reader: Would you accept this award?
Heretic — in theaters now
Why watch? A24 does it again with a smart, skillful horror movie supported by familiar and timeless philosophical questions. It’s a fun horror film on its surface, but I think it will be particularly enjoyable for anyone who likes thinking about faith or religion. The first half is basically a philosophical lecture on religion and I was glued to the screen!
Why not? I guess if you don’t do scary movies at all, ever? Also, it goes a little off the rails in the third act, as horror is wont to do, but overall, despite the noticeable wobble, I felt they ultimately stuck the landing.
Highlight: Hugh Grant is enthralling. One minute he’s a charming chap offering to take your coat, the next he’s slipped on his Dahmer glasses and sent a chill down your spine. Some say it’s his best work yet, and I agree it’s up there! [But let’s not forget his indelible performance of PoP! Goes My Heart in Music and Lyrics. EGOT for Hugh Grant, when!?]
How scary is it? Obviously, this is extremely subjective, like asking how spicy something is. To me, it wasn’t very scary. It’s like a bit of Tabasco on your Chipotle bowl! Some gruesome visuals, a tense plot, creepy violence, but nothing that made me feel deeply disturbed.
Verdict: Weirdly, I thought it was fun!
Extra-Credit Reading: I loved this article by Richard Newby in The Hollywood Reporter called Be Afraid: What Horror Movies Say About America. It’s one of my favorite topics and why I dabble in horror even though I am, as I have explained before, a tiny bit afraid Satan might reach out and grab me through the TV, which is just a flamboyant way of saying they’re not great for my mental health. [My mind is a temple made of glass.]
Conclave — in theaters now
There’s a speech given by a character near the end of this movie that was so moving that I was crying and a woman down in the front of the theater kept saying, “Teach! Teach!”
Why it moved me: This movie is a powerful exploration of some of life’s deepest questions [What is faith? What is God? How do we respond to change? How do we live in a violent world? How do we know whom to follow?] and a challenge to the hollowness of any religious message that is not grounded in love. It’s skillfully crafted and magnificently acted, especially in Ralph Fiennes’ performance where we see the external struggle to name a new pope alongside an internal struggle to find his way to truth. I loved the way they lingered over the lush Catholic rituals, trappings, and sounds: You get a sense of this remote, sacred world yet it feels so lived in.
Why it tickled me: All this is true, and yet it’s also a story about coworkers being bitchy little gossips. lol. I wrote in my movie notebook while watching it, “Not me gasping at a little workplace squabble in a cafeteria.”
Why you might not like it: I think perhaps some religious folks will find it controversial. To me, that’s what’s interesting about it, that it opens up conversation and thought. There’s a twist ending that may seem like a bait and switch, but to me seemed more like an illustration or embodiment of the core idea of the film, which was deeply meaningful.
Verdict: I was moved to tears and might’ve muttered at some point, “That’s what Jesus said.”
A Few Movies Now on Streaming and Worth Checking Out
One I’ve seen, two have been recommended to me.
Blink Twice (rentable on several streaming platforms)
Have I watched this? Yes! I watched this and highly recommend it, though you should take the trigger warning at the beginning seriously. It’s Zoe Kravitz’s directing debut, and I was very impressed. She has an artful eye and, while it’s pretty predictable, that doesn’t take away from the impact.
My Old Ass (Prime Video)
Have I watched it? No. But I have had it recommended to me by several friends whose taste I trust, and it stars the always-delightful Aubrey Plaza in a witty, creative take on what it would be like to be able to talk to your past or future self.
The Outrun (Apple TV)
Have I watched it? No. I’m not sure I will, but I do suspect that now that it’s winter, at some point I’ll be feeling melancholy and artsy — you know, in my indie-girl headspace — and turn this on. Saoirse Ronan stars and it’s supposed to be a beautiful and moving, if meandering, portrait of addiction.
And that’s a wrap! My twin sister is flying in to visit me tomorrow, so expect me to be incandescently happy and not on Substack for a week or two. Any comment or heart means so much to me, and I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts on the culture!
[Nearly imperceptible, not-trying-to-start-something-at-the-AMC-on-34th-Street]
[Originally titled Pussy Island. Sorry, I don’t make the news.]
You, my friend, are a natural born blogger!
Ooooo now I really need to see both those movies. 🤯🫣
As to the sexiest person award — the moral dilemma!! My conscience would be in SHREDS!!!! I’d probably decline and then hate myself for the missed opportunity and eyeballs. 😅