I've Got a Bone to Pick with Ethan Hunt

The Mission: Impossible Rewatch Part 2, plus movie news!

For those of you checking in on my mom, she’s starting her stem cell transplant in August. We set up a GoFundMe and you can read more about it here. Thanks to those helping us through in so many ways. 💜

(Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning, Part 1 screenshot)

As Readers will know, over the past two weeks, I embarked on an impossible journey. A Mission: Impossible Journey, that is! Bingeing all six movies before seeing the seventh in theaters on Wednesday. Carrying the film industry on my BACK.

We’ll get to that later, but first, let’s talk about 🎶 movie music 🎶.

Two weeks ago, I saw Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny [because where Fleabag goes, Hannah will follow!]. I hate to say I was quite bored aside from Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s pitch-perfect Katharine Hepburn wardrobe. It was, as the kids say, “mid.” But I did love this New York Times article about the film score where you can toggle between watching a scene with regular sound or with only orchestra. Very cool!?

But even John Williams’ Indiana Jones hasn’t attained the recognizability of the Mission: Impossible theme.

The M:I theme has achieved that level of ubiquity where we just plug it into our everyday lives: while outrunning a crosswalk countdown, while hiding from our moms in the grocery aisles, while playing adventure games with kids. The only other two film themes I can think of with the same cultural clout are Jaws and Darth Vader’s March. Or, from the TV world, Jeopardy!

So, my questions for you this week are:

1. What other scores would you add to the “So recognizable it’s part of our everyday lives” canon? We’ll call it the “Jaws” Monoculture Award for Even Someone Living in a Cave Could Hum This Tune If Given the Right Circumstances.

2. Do we still have new film/TV scores that are THAT iconic?

I mean, when was the most recent movie score that had the cultural impact of Mission Impossible? One friend said Harry Potter, but I’m not sure it’s quite up there. Do they just need more time? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Now, on to this week’s topics because it’s a DOOZY.

In the [Cinema] News

🍫“Here we go, mama.” The Timothée Chalamet Wonka trailer dropped, and well—judge for yourself! Some are proclaiming it a sign of the End [of Cinema] Times. But may I submit to the jury “Timmy Tim” and his performance of “homeland, homeland, which turned into domeland” !? Is this not exactly the type of behavior we’d expect from the leader of the Oompa Loompas?

I mean, you might say Timmy Tim’s “rap” is a hit against Timothée, but all I see is a young man who knows how to get GOOFY. The Wonka director said he picked Chalamet because he saw these videos and knew he could “sing and dance,” but what I think he meant to say was, “be quite silly indeed!”

And what else do you need for a kids’ movie about candy?

All I’m saying is anyone who watched and liked The Greatest Showman [I did neither] better not be casting the first stone!

🎬 Hollywood’s actors are now on strike with the writers, so I guess it’s back to the Stone Age [watching cooking shows] for us all! The last time both the actors and writers of Hollywood were on strike was 1960! When Ronald “Kill-the-Unions” Reagan was the Screen Actors Guild President leading the charge!

The most immediate and noticeable effect is the swift and sudden end of all the Barbie promotions. Do I feel bereft that we’ll never see the rest of Margot Robbie’s Barbie wardrobe? Deeply.

But the real effect is that the creatives who build our entertainment are going to suffer — not the big stars, obviously, but the writers in writers’ rooms and creators who don’t get paid enough. And, of course, all the projects you love are going to get delayed or canceled. Their demands are fair pay and reassurance their work won’t be plagiarized by AI. Seems FAIR TO ME.

[The culprit in all this is the subscription streaming model, which erased many of the channels by which people got paid, like international contracts, syndication, certain residuals, etc. And, of course, anyone who follows @Unreal_Keanu on TikTok can imagine why actors are concerned about AI.]

🛍 The Barbie Movie has launched a new age of corporate toy films. Tired of the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Get ready for the new “MCU”: the Mattel Cinematic Universe. I quake in fear and cynicism, but also…consider me curious? Here are a few:

• A Polly Pocket Movie: directed by Lena Dunham and starring Emily in Paris Lily Collins. I say bring Lily’s dad Phil out of retirement to make another banging soundtrack like Tarzan!?

• An A-24-style Horror Film about Barney: produced by Daniel Kaluuya. I hate to say it, but that feels right! Barney singing, “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family,” with those dead eyes….

• A “Gritty” Hot Wheels Movie: by J. J. Abrams. I’m sorry, what??

• An American Girl Movie: with a script like “Booksmart” meets “Bill & Ted.” Again, what?!??

• A Wishbone Movie: by the Dumb & Dumber producer. As my friend Katie said, “This is either the best news ever or everything about my childhood is about to be ruined.” My thoughts exactly, Katie!

Les Missions Impossibles cont’d

Live footage of me leaping headlong into my Mission: Impossible binge

There are many ways to frame my Mission: Impossible journey. One would be: Delightful! Another: What a great way to spend a few hot summer nights! And yet another: Feminist rage.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

We left off last week after Ben and I watched the fourth installment. Here are the rest.

#5 — Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (10/10!)

Upon watching 15 minutes of this, I asked Ben if there would be a scene with a lady in a mustard yellow dress. Five minutes later, there she was, glowing and shimmering like an angel on my screen!

Turns out I had already seen this one! I think I remembered it as a Bond movie? We talked about this last week considering the later M:I movies: While they might be better than the first three, they’re also a little more forgettable. They’re less weird, more sleek, and more purposefully funny instead of on-accident funny — but also somewhat indiscernible from every top-notch action franchise of the last decade. Let’s call it the Iron Man-ificiation of action movies.

Mask Watch: Tracking the use of the classic Mission: Impossible masks, which are THE signature of the franchise, but which they dropped in #4 on account of perhaps being too embarrassed by how silly the masks are — rather than celebrating absurdity, which is the whole point of the franchise! But I digress. They brought the Masks back in the MOST OUTRAGEOUS fashion here! We applaud!!

Sexism Watch: [Last week I *accidentally* had a woman’s point-of-view critique of each movie, so we’re continuing in my obnoxious womanly rants.] Rebecca Ferguson as Ilsa, Queen of my heart! I’d been waiting for her arrival in the franchise since I loved her SO MUCH in Silo and Dune. She did not disappoint! 👏🏼 How 👏🏼 e 👏🏼 ver 👏🏼 . She had to play Damsel in Distress a lot, AND she was in various states of undress a lot — and NONE of the men did either of those things, which is not the future that that Suffragette got trampled by a horse for!

Oh well. I’ll be rewatching the yellow dress scene any time I’m sad.

#6 — Mission: Impossible - Fallout (8/10)

I’m very sorry to say that, yet again, I fell asleep. It was somewhere around the two-hour mark when they were careening through the Paris sewers for upwards of 40 minutes [or so I felt!]. I refuse to take responsibility for falling asleep after two hours of car chases.

The first M:I was a tight 1h 50m, but each one gets a little bit longer, with the new one clocking in at 2 hours and 45 minutes! THAT’S JUST TOO LONG!! The bathrooms in the IPIC are all the way upstairs! What are we doing here??

They also spent at least 80% of this movie in dark caverns, just talking through what’s happening because the plot was that complicated. Two balls of plutonium in several corners of the earth, a gaggle of crime organizations, a flock of governments, one detonator held by The Witcher with some kind of poorly explained key, and two different bad guys, both with indistinguishable L--- names! Just stop! This isn’t War & Peace, people!

However, I finished the movie the following night, and it was, I must admit, a good time:

• We love a villain who kind of has a point?!

• We love women who can wear the shit out of a good trench!

• We love an early Vanilla Girl trend!

• We love a brawl at a fundraising gala!

• We love to hear Tom Cruise say, “I am the storm,” with zero irony found!

Mask Watch: We’ve got ‘em! When Angela Bassett says “The IMF is Halloween,” that was a bonafide compliment!! That’s exactly what I’ve been saying about the masks:

Mission Impossible is the Spirit Halloween of spy movies, and I mean that in the best possible way. Don’t dilute your weirdness for anyone!

Sexism Watch: I don’t know why Ilsa got a talking to from Luther about being a distraction for Ethan when that’s his own damn problem to sort out!

#7 — Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning, Part 1 (8/10)

***Warning: Spoilers Ahead!! But do you really care that much??***

Me, upon embarking on my M:I binge: Youthful, carefree, optimistic, patriotic, willing to just let things go!

Me, after completing my M:I journey as the credits roll in the darkened theater: Full of rage, jaded, hates America, will never move on from any disappointment ever again.

But also I had a marvelous time!! lol

So, first, let’s talk about the [mostly spoiler-free!] pros of M:I-7:

• It was entertaining from start to finish! I even paid attention through an entire car chase!

• Villainous Artificial Intelligence is an of-the-moment plot device that really worked. [Though I’m weary just thinking about the ONSLAUGHT of AI Baddies we will be subjected to in movies and TV over the coming decade.]

• There are FOUR badass female characters!

• The women dressed almost entirely in menswear, which made me, as a girly girl, SAD. But at least we’re letting the ladies be fully clothed! And that’s my Mom Take™️ of the day!

• Masks are back, babieee!!!!!!

And lastly, not to be a Basic Millennial, but did this remind anyone else a little bit of…Harry Potter?

• Harry-Ethan *in whining voice*: “I have to do this ALONE! Voldemort-AI only wants ME, and I won’t let you risk your lives!”

• Hermione-Luther, Ron-Benji, Sirius-Ilsa: “Stop making this about you! We’re saving the world together!”

• Malfoy-Girl: “I have yellow hair and a life-debt!”

• Voldemort-AI: *glows magically, cannot be killed unless you find specific antique-looking items*

• I could do this all day. Cary Elwes is Fudge. Gabriel is Bellatrix. White Widow is Rita Skeeter.

• There’s even an old-timey passenger train!

OK, I’m done, sorry.

Sexism Watch (!!!spoilers ahead!!!): Here’s where it all falls apart. They killed my favorite female character for NO. DAMN. REASON.* Just to make way for a new love interest!??!!! These men just keep getting older, and these women just keep dying?! And for WHAT? To give the male characters something to fight for?! Why not kill Benji?? It’s the year of our Lord 2023, and we’re really still going with the girlfriend in the fridge trope?! This is Black Widow all over again!!

But I guess I’M the dummy for thinking Mission: Impossible would value its female characters!! After all, Mission Impossible 2 is like SO BAD when it comes to women. But then, what was a little light sexism from the year 2000 to me, safely ensconced in the year 2023!? I brushed it off! I thought, “Ah, but we have made such progress since THEN!”

How wrong I was. Upon watching M:I-7, released 23 years later yet using the same Disposable Women Plot Device, the problems of the year 2000 take on a darker hue. It made me so mad it kind of ruined the movie. Sorry to be that B.

However, after successfully stuffing my feelings of hurt and injustice deep deep deeeeeeep down, as women must occasionally do, I can truly say I enjoyed the ride! After all, I wouldn’t care so much unless I had really fallen in love with the franchise.😎

*There is a fan theory that [REDACTED]’s death was faked. But I think that would also be bad storytelling. Can’t win this one.

Wrapping Up with Other News This Week:

I have tickets for a Thursday double feature of Barbie and Oppenheimer! Let’s DO THIS.

I also really want to see:

• Past Lives - people say this is a once-in-a-generation film

• You Hurt My Feelings - Julia Louis-Dreyfus

• Joy Ride - looks like the best comedy of the year (trailer is NSFW!)

• No Hard Feelings - the return of Jennifer Lawrence! (also NSFW trailer)

I am still listening to The Retrievals, and it’s still insane.

Well, that was a NOVEL! Thanks for sticking with it if you made it this far! I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts on any M:I movie, the Wonka trailer, or anything else you’re enjoying this week. Drop a heart or a comment to let me know you’re here! :)