Our Favorite A**holes are Back!
Succession, Yellowjackets, Gwyneth, and why TV is better than movies
Greetings from Cleveland! Coming at you two days late because: 1) I was in Ohio with family, deciding if I can pull off baseball caps at sporting events, 2) I wanted to wait for the Yellowjackets and Succession season premieres, and 3) I got stranded at the Cleveland airport!
After spending two hours on the tarmac only to return to the gate to deplane because of some rain delays at LaGuardia [you can dress a pig up, but it’s still LaGuardia], Ben and I posted up in the Cleveland Hopkins International Airport where every single store was closed, the charging stations didn’t work, and a voiceover ad from the mayor kept assuring us that we were, in fact, in “Cleveland, the land of LIVING IT UP!”1
Anyhoo, today we’re diving into the mesmerizing world of wealthy tomfoolery and prestige TV, two of my favorite subjects! Are you watching Yellowjackets or Succession? If not, why not!!?
In the News
Gwyneth Paltrow is being sued for allegedly crashing into a man while skiing. Do I experience some Protestant Guilt over following trials for entertainment? Yes! But Y’ALL! This one feels relatively harmless(?!)? And truly, Mike White himself could not have written a better script! An ultra-luxe ski vacay debacle involving the world’s most famous wellness guru/vagina egg peddler/custom-calibrated formula blonde? Resulting in a very rich optometrist no longer enjoying his wine tastings?? Just in time for the final season of Succession!? Are we being punked right now??
Here’s my explainer — sent, of course, from a Delta Sky Lounge because I’m a method actor:
Anyways, cast Marisa Tomei as the attorney grilling Gwyneth and make this a TV show post haste!!
The Great British Bake Off has a new host now that Matt is out! The brilliantly delightful Alison Hammond joins the tent [where she was once a contestant for a charity episode!]. Brits know her as a former Big Brother contestant and presenter on their news show This Morning. You might know her from the viral video [below] of her knocking a shirtless sailor into the river Thames! Delicious!!
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Ben Affleck did an interview with the Hollywood Reporter in which he revealed he’s in a daily Wordle group with Matt Damon, Jason Bateman, and Bradley Cooper! Celebrities: They’re just like me and my aunts!
Okay, now for the sad news that I can’t ignore because it’s real, and I also have been VERY pro-Jonathan Majors in this space. Jonathan Majors got arrested for assaulting a woman. :( He denies the charges, but still, that’s tough. The Gwyneth trial has made me return to thoughts about wealth/power/access [which race is always tied up in, too] and how it influences life consequences. It’s wild that one of our biggest stars, Brad Pitt, assaulted his then-wife, Angelina Jolie, she didn’t press charges, and there hasn’t been much effect on his career. I’m not saying I want everyone who commits violence to go down forever; none of us are defined by the worst thing we’ve ever done; we’re all just people with our broken selves. But also, the world stacks up so differently for each of us.
Wellp, there’s no fun way to transition out of THAT one, so we’re just gonna take a hard left turn! 🙃 Buckle up.
Watching - Prestige TV, Baby!
The New York Times did a very hand-wringy podcast last week called “Our Film Critic on Why He’s Done with the Movies.” Of course, there was a whole section about how! superheroes! are! ruining! everything!! But the REAL reason: It’s all on TV! These days, we go to the movies for Channing Tatum and to TV for our deep storytelling. HBO stole Hollywood’s lunch, and that’s just the long and short of it! Anyways, I’m sure movies will be fine! Why not, like the Platonic Ideal of the Golden Globes, just let movies and TV sit at the same drunken table, telling their dark, wonderful little stories!?
I apologize to Steven Spielberg.
Yellowjackets - Lend me your ears!
[Yes, that is a cannibalism joke, I fear!]
There’s something wonderful about just being back here in the creepy cabin with our familiar cutthroat ladies. Barely any time has passed in the show world and we’re picking right back up with the murder, mayhem, and blurred lines between teen hormones and adult rage.
Was it a little messy? Yes. Hard to say if Yellowjackets will go the way of The Leftovers and keep building on the story or if it will go the way of Lost and splat in every direction imaginable just to never quite decide what it’s doing. Who knows! But I’d watch Melanie Lynskey and Christina Ricci twiddle their thumbs for 12 seasons, so obviously, I’m along for the ride!
Succession - “10 billion dollars just to get a call from daddy!”
The bad people are back at the bad things, and I’m badly hooked!!! Nothing happened in this episode except for vicious family drama, a nonstop 30 Rock-level joke machine, a 10-billion-dollar acquisition, and a pair of linen pants2 so ineffably perfect they have now set up a throne room in my brain.
If you haven’t watched Succession, here’s what you’re missing: gleeful dark comedy. Laughing at the silly nepo-baby antics one second, shivering in your thin, vulnerable, human shell the next! It’s VEEP with less slapstick, White Lotus S1 with less sand, Girls with less nudity and poverty. You’re squirming with secondhand embarrassment but can’t look away because it’s all so devastatingly funny and stupid.
What caught me off-guard about this episode — and makes me excited for the final season — is actually the sadness in it. In previous seasons, the Lonely Boy role was mostly held down by Kendall. This season, Matthew Macfadyen and Brian Cox are doing the heavy sadness lifting. The deep, aching loneliness took my BREATH away! It made it worth the sometimes dithering/cyclical frustrations of seasons 2 and 3.
Favorite Quotes:
“She’s brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What’s even in there, huh? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail? I mean, Greg, it’s monstrous. It’s gargantuan. You could take it camping. You could slide it across the floor after a bank job.”
“The Hundred is Substack meets Masterclass meets The Economist meets The New Yorker. It’s an indispensable, bespoke info hub.”
“It’s like a private members club, but for everyone. It is like clickbait in a way, but for smart people.”
“We have the ethos of a nonprofit but a path to crazy margins.”
“Go do your ways, and God be willing.”
If you HAVE watched Succession, who is your favorite and why?
I just can’t stop rooting for the #1 Boy, Kendall Roy! His entire existence is that one unbearable scene from Girls where Marnie sings Kanye West.
Stolen idea from my friend Monica who has a fantastic Substack of their own: A poll!
Unfortunately, I could only do five options. Otherwise, I would have included:
Kerry, Logan’s
girlfriendFriend/Assistant/AdvisorTom and Shiv’s dog, who has never been outside his doggie playpen and might be concocting a revenge narrative à la Cujo
The random TikToker with the bag so big she could fit her flat shoes for the subway in it.
That’s it for this week, folks! Thanks as always for reading, I am gobsmacked every time I hear anyone reads this! Would love to hear your thoughts, and drop a ❤️ if you’re enjoying. (It helps!)
“Living it up” apparently means watching every straight male from our flight pace the gate area with a ferociousness suggesting they can change weather patterns with their minds.
Those linen pants are my villain origin story. Those linen pants will enfold me when I die. Those linen pants herald the return of the Elizabeth James Aesthetic. Those linen pants express the untouchable insouciance of someone with access to seven days of sunshine per week and a bank account with several more zeros. I think I finally understand — spiritually, aesthetically, and emotionally — Princess Diana’s horrible 80s haircut.
You're doing so much in the best way. The footnotes?! Chef's kiss.
"Why not, like the Platonic Ideal of the Golden Globes, just let movies and TV sit at the same drunken table, telling their dark, wonderful little stories!?" Made me laugh out loud and I'm literally at work haha. Like it's funny but it's also true!! Let them do their little things and I will consume the content wherever it's being offered (although I've been doing more in the theaters than anywhere else).
Speaking of...I am woefully behind on so much television but Yellowjackets seems like it's right up my alley so I'm gonna check it out. I don't think Succession is for me, RIP to all the memes I'll never understand.
I think my favorite line was Shiv saying that Kendall may shoot up a 7/11. Not sure why, but that slayed me.