Pedro Pascal vs. Chris Evans Is Not a Fair Fight
Plus: "Ballerina" vs. "Mission: Impossible" and Jon Hamm's TV show
This week we’re doing two segments: Reactions & Reviews! We’ve got: Sabrina Carpenter controversy; the true crime podcast that took over my life; the new John Wick movie vs. Mission: Impossible; Jon Hamm’s Apple TV show; and, of course, “The Materialists” with Dakota Johnson, Pedro Pascal, and Chris Evans.
Apparently, I have hair-color blindness.
Ben and I were watching Meghann Fahy’s new thriller “Drop,”1 and I mentioned how Brandon Sklenar is blond. Ben said, incredulous, “You think he’s blond??” I looked at the screen more closely. I squinted. I thought about it. I looked again at his hair. I google-image-searched him.
I had to admit that his hair was dark brown. But like … taken as a whole, as a vibe, as a platonic concept? That man is A BLOND.
I texted my sister a picture of Sklenar, and she texted me back: “He looks like a blond who just happens to have brown hair.”
Spiritually blond!
For the rest of the week, I asked Ben what color hair celebrities had to see how far off I was. There is honestly no way for me to know. I cannot tell. I have hair-color blindness.
Men I Think Are Blonde But Aren’t, According to Ben:
Chris Evans
Brandon Sklenar
Niall Horan
Mark Wahlberg
Matthew McConaughey
Matt Smith
My brother-in-law Sergei
Men I Think Are Blonde And ARE, According to the Internet:
Daniel Craig
Ryan Gosling
Joe Alwyn
Jack Lowden
Brad Pitt
Ben actually says that no adults are naturally blond, and that since I grew up with brown hair in a society that prefers blondes, I have an inferiority complex where if I can tell someone was ONCE a blond, I consider them ALWAYS a blond. I didn’t ask for that psychoanalysis, but that’s what it is to be known, I guess!
So, reader, I ask you: Who is right about the celebs above? Me or Ben? Does blond even exist? What is real?
Let’s Do Some Reactions!
A segment in which I give quick-hit explainers and opinions about hot topics in the industry.
Ana de Armas Has a Better Movie Than Her Boyfriend Tom Cruise
“From the World of John Wick: Ballerina,” Ana De Armas’ entry into the John Wick oeuvre, was a really fun time at the movies! I had extremely low expectations — I blame the marketing, which was spotty and didn’t do justice by trying to sell it as just another John Wick movie — but “Ballerina” more than cleared the bar.
I had a lot more dumb fun at “Ballerina” than I did at “Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning.” “Ballerina” knows it’s gaudy, kick-ass theater. “Mission: Impossible” was too self-serious; like, why does the plot have to be so overexplained?? Nobody — and I cannot emphasize this enough — cares!!!
De Armas also happens to be dating Tom Cruise.
This clearly has to be one of those PR relationships where they agreed to be a publicity couple for their summer blockbusters and signed a dotted line with an end date. [Which doesn’t preclude the possibility they also really like each other, of course.] Way to be winning the relationship, Ana!
Sabrina Carpenter knows what she’s doing, and the internet fell for it
Sabrina Carpenter has a new album coming August 29. Last week, she released album art that had people clawing at each other’s throats like two feral cats with a whole day in front of them and nothing to do.
First, there was the backlash: This sets women back 50 years!
Then, there was backlash to the backlash: She is critiquing the male gaze!
Then the backlash to the backlashes: Can’t a gal be horny on main anymore??2
It’s essentially a Rorschach test for where you’re at on the prude-to-sex-positivity scale. In the words of The New York Times’ Stella Bugbee, “This album art slots itself too neatly into the age-old chasm between pro-sex feminists and those who feel women shouldn’t participate in their own subjugation.”
And obviously, that was the point. I guarantee that Sabrina Carpenter, the princess of the attention economy, doesn’t care what you think she’s “saying” here. It’s methodically calibrated to generate as large a firestorm of clicks as possible.
And the entire internet fell for it.
[A free tip: Maybe this is the religious upbringing in me, but might I suggest that if you are looking for a strong moral stance on sexual politics, you look elsewhere than pop music??]
Where Have All the Young Men Gone?
Is it just me, or are leading men in action movies getting older?? Someone called it “Geriaction” [geriatric action movies lol]. Look no further than Tom Cruise, still our biggest action star at 62?? Or Brad Pitt, set to star as an F1 driver at age 61? A sport with an average age of — *checks notes* — 27!?
NOTHING against aging AT ALL, but at some point, this just seems implausible! I’m a fresh 37, and I got a shoulder injury last week just from napping!
Meanwhile, unsurprisingly, the women are staying young. For example, 37-year-old Ana de Armas, mentioned above, is the new star of a film universe centered around 60-year-old Keanu Reeves. Victorian times, indeed!
Julianne Moore is Collecting Infinity Stones “IT” Girls*
*gender neutral
It has come to my attention, by way of a stunning red dress on a red carpet, that Julianne Moore and Sydney Sweeney are co-starring in a thriller titled “Echo Valley,” now out on Apple TV+. The first words out of my mouth were, “Julianne is collecting all the It Girls!”
Meghann Fahy and Milly Alcock in “Sirens”
Nicholas Galitzine in “Mary & George”
Charles Melton in “May December”
Sebastian Stan in “Sharper”
Speaking of Sydney Sweeney, a couple of weeks ago, she released a limited supply of soap made with her bathwater, and it sold out in seconds. Honestly, a great gag gift, but I wish that were the main reason people were buying it...
Jonathan Bailey, I’m Begging You Not to Bring Back Flip-Flop Culture
The internet’s heartthrob, Jonathan Bailey, stepped out with his fellow “Jurassic World” cast in FLIP-FLOPS. I just got the ick.
Have You Heard About The Mushroom Case in Australia???
It’s all I think about!
I’m not normally a big True-Crime girl. [Unless it’s about cults, in which case, put me in, coach.] I don’t understand how anyone with anxiety can listen to all those gruesome murder podcasts. Like, not to victim blame, but maybe you’re scared of everything because you know too much!?!?!
That said … I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY OBSESSED WITH THIS TRUE CRIME PODCAST!! “Mushroom Case Daily” follows a court case happening in Australia right now: The trial of Erin Patterson, who is accused of murder after three people died following a lunch she hosted. The alleged murder weapon? Beef Wellington laced with death-cap mushrooms!!
The podcast is hosted by a court reporter and producer who break down each day’s events in court. It’s riveting, but also told in a very reporter-y way, not sensationalized, which I appreciate. The prosecution is giving closing arguments this week! You have time to catch up!
Let’s Do Some Reviews!
Two things I watched last week, one that I enjoyed, the other that I enjoyed and hated at the same time.
“Your Friends and Neighbors” — on Apple TV+
If you love any of these things — Jon Hamm; seeing inside rich people’s houses; dark comedy; heists; dumb shows that are at times surprisingly thoughtful but mostly effortless and easy — you will enjoy this!
The rundown: Jon Hamm plays a rich finance guy who gets fired from his job and quickly turns to a life of crime, robbing his rich neighbors’ houses. Along the way, we learn more about his ex-wife, played by Amanda Peet, his kids, and obviously his friends and neighbors, who include Olivia Munn with amazing extensions. I thought the ending was dumb, but I didn’t care.
The verdict: It’s a good cast and a fun premise, and Jon Hamm has the kind of talent that could carry a much weaker show and still make it sparkle.
“The Materialists” — in theaters now
If you watched this trailer knowing nothing about the director Celine Song, you could be excused for thinking, as much of the internet did, “What a fun little rom-com!” But if you, like me, have already watched Song’s much-lauded debut, “Past Lives,” you know that there is zero “com” in her “rom”!
The rundown: Dakota Johnson is a matchmaker in NYC who gets asked out by a breathtakingly rich man, Pedro Pascal. But her past relationship with Chris Evans, a struggling actor, complicates the plot. That’s all I’ll say, but obviously the Pedro vs. Chris memes are endless! Pedro 4 Eva!
The intent: Celine Song’s movies attempt to trace the paradox of modern love: She examines what happens when our romantic ideals hit the hard pavement of reality — economics, class, immigration, human complexity — but without giving up on the idea of heart-stopping love. Her films are slow and visually rich. “Past Lives” worked pretty well for me, though I didn’t love it.
The verdict: This one did not work for me.3 Ultimately, I felt like I was reading a five-paragraph persuasive essay on why love is more important than money, but they left out the persuasive part. I mean, it’s true, but a bit trite? There were a lot of other ideas stuffed in there, too: About how we dehumanize each other in our quest to find the “right” partner; how we know nothing about what we really want in love; how dating can be difficult for men, but is dangerous for women; how modern dating reduces us to commodities; etc. There were nuggets that will stick with me, but all those “essays about love” ideas didn’t make for a persuasive whole. It was beautiful but lifeless.
A few other quibbles:
Chris Evans, age 44, playing a broke 30-something actor with roommates, was somehow not convincing. Not that those people don’t exist, but he did not convince me he was one of them. Maybe … Liam Hemsworth? Nicholas Hoult? Dev Patel?
The three leads had ZERO chemistry. It just felt like the movie was saying, “These people are hot for each other! Take our word for it!”
Two good things I will say:
I could watch Dakota Johnson and Pedro Pascal cut dry grass with scissors. Imminently watchable people. Beautiful movie. Great lighting, costume design, sets, etc.
Zoë Winters was really fantastic as one of Dakota’s matchmaking clients.
That’s all for this week, folks! So very glad you’re here, and I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts, opinions, recommendations, or ramblings! See you next time!
Drop Review: 6.5/10! It was no “Red Eye,” but as I’ve said, Fahy is my popcorn queen, eminently watchable.
FWIW, I chuckled and said, “OK, sweetie!” when I saw it.
And it’s not just because of the implausible super-rich Pedro Pascal vs. poor Chris Evans comparison, though to that I say: In what world would you pick Chris Evans over Pedro, money aside!?!
We’ve been wondering about Friends & Neighbors! Now I’m excited to check it out!