Spring TV Preview!

What I'm Watching This Week & Can't Wait to Watch This Spring

Michael Cera, is that you???

Happy Vernal Equinox!!

As I am wont to do, I just googled “what is the equinox” — joining my other embarrassing queries this week, including “what is a continent” and “Oscar Isaac kilt.”

Anyhoo, the Vernal Equinox means the sun is directly above the equator and that Spring has officially begun! According to the Zodiac, we’re supposed to recommit to our goals or something, which honestly sounds awful and I will leave it to the Enneagram Ones and Threes.

Instead of living the examined life, I attempted to binge-watch Is It Cake? on Netflix! It’s not good, but damn do I love watching them cut into a hamburger and, surprise! it’s cake! In honor of “Is It Cake?,” I would love to hear the absolute WORST thing you watched recently that you absolutely loved in spite of yourself. Spill the tea, friends!

And this week, we’re doing a Spring Preview of everything coming to streaming in March and April. It’s a doozy, y’all, so buckle up!

Thanks for being on this journey with me, and now let’s get into it…

In the News

I am continuing my embargo on Kim and Kanye’s relationship here [because it’s NOT entertainment], but things got bad enough this week that Kanye was canceled from the Grammys after harassing the Grammys’ host, Trevor Noah. Here’s why he’s attacking Trevor—and a nuanced summary of the whole mess.

In other Unforced Errors, Jane Campion, Power of the Dog director, locked eyes with Serena Williams during a Critics’ Choice Awards acceptance speech, and instantly forsook her entire senses! Campion started rambling about tennis, lost the plot, and concluded by boasting: “You do not play against the guys like I have to.” 🤯 What the actual f*ck!?? The internet also collectively yelled, “What about MIXED DOUBLES, JANE,” which even I, an inveterate non-athlete, have heard of. (She apologized the next day.)

BTS live-streamed aconcert to a few hundred movie theaters around the world and, as God is my witness, that livestream came in 3RD PLACE in the BOX OFFICE. This ONE-DAY concert made more money than many movies during their entire pandemic run!(!!) You wanna know what I was doing on that same day in the Year of Our Lord Jeon Jung-kook? Ghost-writing an article about vape pens. So we’re all doing well in our respective careers!

Food Corner: Megan Thee Stallion and Dua Lipa released a song called “Sweetest Pie” [reader, it’s not about pie!], and even if innuendo isn’t your thing, Megan gave us a REAL pie called “H-Town Hottie Pie”—a Pecan Pie Plus+™️ with pretzels, coconut, butterscotch chips, and of course gold dust on top. I don’t know what this has to do with Houston, known primarily for smog and strip malls, but I would like to try some.

Royal Watch - A Royal Tour of the Caribbean

It’s giving fashion! It’s giving style! It’s giving ~*~Imperial Conquerors on a Misguided PR Mission~*~!

The British Royals make regular “tours” (diplomatic photo-ops) of the “commonwealth” (former colonies where the Queen is still Head of State for no damn reason), and this time around it’s Kate + Wills + the Caribbean!

They will NOT be stopping in Barbados [don’t fact-check that] because as we all know, Rihanna is Queen there now! [don’t fact-check that]

Despite the cringeworthy nature of these tours, the world and Yours Truly do go nuts for the outfits. If you want to keep up, Town & Country, Elizabeth Holmes and @KateMidleton1 do it well.

Watching - Our Flag Means Death on HBO Max

Dame Leslie Jones

Friends, first let me take a quick aside and say: This Friday I watched Cheaper by the Dozen so that you wouldn’t have to.

Not even Gabrielle Union’s flawless fashion could save this flick. It got a 36% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is generous. I’d describe the movie as “nothing happening but confusing all the time” or “traditional family values in a woke wet dream but not actually woke” or “we’re poor b/c we live in a $1 million house in an upper-class neighborhood which we refer to as the slums of LA.” If you want a family-friendly movie [and aren’t aggressively scared to discuss menstruation?] maybe Pixar’s Turned Red instead?

ANYHOO, never fear, because I did watch something fun this week! Ben and I started Our Flag Means Death, and shiver me timbers was it a jolly good time!

I am speaking in 🏴‍☠️ pirate 🏴‍☠️ because it is about pirates, sort of. Imagine The Office or Parks & Rec but with pirates and set in the 18th century. Taika Waititi, of Jojo Rabbit, directs! Each episode is a mercifully brief half-hour! Leslie Jones and Fred Armisen show up! Hodor from Game of Thrones is here and he still loves bedtime stories!

Enjoy.

Spring Preview - Smash or Pass!

It’s time for a new segment—inspired by TikTok and a podcast I listen to—SMASH OR PASS!!! In “Smash or Pass,” you vote whether you would *get with* someone or not. In this case, what we are boinking is television! [Many apologies to our Puritan ancestors.]

You won’t be surprised to hear I’d LOVE your opinions, too! Smash or Pass, y’all???

COMEDIES

Life & Beth (on Hulu now)

Amy Schumer’s new show is a prestige take on the “big-city gal returns home and finds love” Hallmark Movie. And by prestige, I mean well-written, dark, bone-dry, witty, hilarious. And by “love” I do mean Michael Cera!

• Verdict: Already smashing!

Minx (on HBO Max March 17)

This is a “cheeky drama” about the first erotic magazine for women, and by “cheeky,” I do mean butt cheeks! Nick from New Girl is a sleazy publisher with a heart of gold, partnering up with a feminist writer, and a review from Decider says the show champions “joy over pain and equality over repression.” And by “equality” they do mean male nudes. [Please do not watch this if you do not approve of **excessive** full-frontal nudity!!]

• Verdict: Already Smashing!

The Bubble (on Netflix April 1)

What if I told you that in less than a month we’re getting a new Judd Apatow comedy with Leslie Mann, Keegan-Michael Key, Fred Armisen, Maria Bakalova, Pedro Pascal, David Duchovny, and Kate McKinnon??? All I can say is, if you’re not excited, you’re not fun!!!

• Verdict: Smash!

DRAMAS

WeCrashed (on Apple TV+ now)

The WeWork show, starring Anne Hathaway and Jared Leto. Spiritually, this show makes me feel like I’m being force-fed marshmallows and I hate it.

• Verdict: Pass
  [Hot Tip: Listen to the podcast it’s based on or watch the Hulu documentary instead!]

HALO (on Paramount+ March 24)

HARD PASS! I spent FAR too many hours in high school/college suppressing my entire personality just to watch boys I was crushing on play hours of this stupid, stupid, dumbass video game!!! Hell no!!!! Boyz suck!!!!

• Verdict: Hard pass

Pachinko (on Apple TV+ March 25)

Stunning. Based on a book about a Korean family who emigrates to Japan, the show looks gorgeous, lush, and like I’ll learn a shit-ton about Japanese colonialism! The cast includes Youn Yuh-jung, the grandma from Minari, and Lee Min-ho, a ~*sexysexy*~ K-Drama star!

• Verdict: Smash!

The Girl from Plainville (on Hulu March 29)

This is the true story about the girl who pressured her boyfriend to take his own life, and that’s enough for me to know I will NOT be watching this, despite talented Elle Fanning.

• VERDICT: PASS.

Moon Knight (on Disney+ March 30)

One day people are going to look back in disgust at this time in 2021 when we thought dissociative identity disorder was a fun plot device. However: Oscar Isaac.

• VERDICT: UNDECIDED.

Julia (on HBO Max March 31)

Julia! Child! Food! scenes! Comfort! TV!

• VERDICT: SMASH

Anatomy of a Scandal (on Netflix April 15)

The Big Little Lies/Undoing of 2022, still about wicked husbands, but in Britain this time. It looks intriguing but it’s giving toxic vibes.

• VERDICT: PASS

Roar (on AppleTV+ April 15)

If Glow and Black Mirror had a baby. Add in Nicole Kidman and Cynthia Erivo and you’ve got me hooked.

• VERDICT: SMASH

The First Lady (on Showtime April 17)

Not sure how the stories intertwine, but this stars Viola Davis as Michelle Obama, Gillian Anderson (icon of the lesbian community!) as Eleanor Roosevelt (who was definitely gay!), and Michelle Pfeiffer as Michelle Pfeiffer playing Betty Ford! (That was not a typo. Michelle Pfeiffer is always playing Michelle Pfeiffer and that’s a rule of culture.)

• VERDICT: SMASH

Gaslit (on Starz April 24)

Two words, one name: JULIA. ROBERTS. (Also it’s about Watergate.)

• VERDICT: SMASH

The Offer (on Paramount+ April 28)

About the making of The Godfather, and despite starring Miles Teller and Keeley from Ted Lasso, I can’t find it in me to care?? I will probably regret saying this.

• VERDICT: PASS

Shining Girls (on AppleTV+ April 29)

From what I can tell, Elizabeth Moss is chasing the kid from Billy Elliot [aka Jamie Bell] across time and space and also he is a serial killer.

• VERDICT: honestly, SMASH

Obi-Wan Kenobi (on Disney+ May 25)

I know I’m gonna get canceled, but it looks boring!! So much sand? Same old Skywalkers? Ewan McGregor using binoculars to spy on a child?? I’m sorry but no! Call me a “let the past die” Last Jedi girl, but can we please get a fresh storyline up in here???

• VERDICT: Smash, probably, out of a “sense” of “duty.”

We also have several returning shows, which I’ll be more brief about since you likely are already In or Out on them:

• Atlanta season three (on FX March 24) — IT’S FINALLY HERE!!! With all of the sequels, remakes, and “dramatized retellings” these days, Atlanta has consistently been doing ORIGINAL TV. Also Zazie Beetz.

• Starstruck season two (on HBO Max March 24) — I didn’t finish the first season but people LOVED it. A true rom-com in spirit. I may have to catch up…?

• Bridgerton season two (on Netflix March 25) — Despite no Le Regé-Jean Sex this season, Bridgerton is must-see TV at this point, amirite??

• Woke season two (on Hulu April 8) — All you need to know is it stars Winston [Lamorne Morris] from New Girl.

• Russian Doll season two (on Netflix April 20) — Season one of this super-dark comedy was fantastic but I don’t really know if I need another season? Still, the writing credits include Amy Poehler and the main actress Natasha Lyonne, and they’re both incredible.

• The Flight Attendant season two (on HBO Max April 21) — We binged season 1 like MANIACS but felt let down by the zero-plot-twist of an ending. Pass.

• Barry season three (on HBO April 24) — Season 1 was incredible but the love interest irritated me TO NO END and the ending was too sad.

• Girls5Eva season two (on Peacock May 5) — The first season of this Tina-Fey/Sara Bareilles vehicle wasn’t perfect but it made me happy and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is!

• Stranger Things season four (on Netflix May 27) — Yep, I’ll be there! But the Russian prison plot will feel confusing/too close to home now!

That’s it for this week because you’ve already read this NOVEL of a newsletter! Thanks for sticking around, and please do share your SMASH OR PASS votes and your favorite terrible TV you’ve been loving lately. Much love and see you next week. <3